seeing oneself

PiT commented on my last post:

Where were the fat, visibly cat-scratched, scruffy people wearing bright colours and idiosyncratic, unfashionalbe or ultra-fashionable depending on taste, outfits?

Hahaha - is this how you see yourself, JaneB? I see you more as the awesome academic with the big heart who writes long lists in a slightly sarcastic fashion and whose house/life has been taken over by a cat!

Thanks for the nice comment! Is this how I see myself? Not really - in fact, in many ways I'm the kind of 'brain-on-a-stick' person many female science bloggers get mad about. I don't care much about fashion or appearance or consider these things any kind of measure of a person, I live a lot of my life inside my head at some intellectual level, I think of people, interact with people, as people first not as gendered (although some of the characteristics of people that I generally admire/avoid might be considered gendered - I'm not comfortable around people who are competitive as a basic mode of being, I tend to feel comfortable around people who don't divide life into water-tight compartments).

But I really didn't, at a visceral and surprising level, see myself in any of the images of happy smiling competant looking people in business suits (occasionally with a headscarf or turban to indicate ethnic diversity). What do I see as my category?

• I aim for neat and clean and covered in my dress - I try for a step up from the train-wreck look tig described! However, by the time I get to work something is always crumpled or rucked up or just looking lived in. Fashion affects me mostly by what is available in the shops rather than as something I aspire towards. So yesterday I was wearing wide-legged linen trousers (because they're comfortable in hot weather, and earlier in the week it was hot) in one of my favourite earthy "shades of murk" (family phrase - my mother and sister both like clear jewel colours or acid bright colours, and are a bit baffled by my preference for sage green over lime green or emerald green) which had started off ironed but quickly reverted to that slouchy crumpled look linen does so well and a cream cotton cardigan (clean but with a rather obvious although neat mend where I tore a sleeve last year) over a sort of strong-apricot-coloured T-shirt (which is really too bright for my taste but is a nice cut and was the best colour choice from various luridnesses at the time I bought it). With colour variations, and a switch to cheesecloth type shirts as it gets hotter, that's the summer work wardrobe. The shoes would cause Isis pain. my representative needed to look like clothes were chosen for comfort over style, to wear colours other than navy/black/grey/white, and to look less like they JUST got dressed. She should also have a pencil holding her hair up, or bits pulling out of his ponytail randomly, or look as if he's just been clutching his hair - not polished and hairsprayed into order
• I'm clumsy - partly because I am, partly because I was always told I was and some part of me believes that. These people are too neat and in control to ever knock stuff over
• I wear my mood visibly, to some extent - obviously not in full detail, I have some self-control, but I'm not happy-smiley if I'm having a crap day, and I tend more towards bouncy/bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed when I'm having a good day. People in training materials look angry sometimes (this is a DON'T) but that's about it my representative would have a less thought out-looking expression and less perfectly controlled body language
• I am overweight - I tend to forget this whilst thinking/talking/writing/(eating), but it's true and it needs fixing and it no doubt affects how people see me, and I need to see that about myself consistently as part of the fixing, if that makes sense. my representative would come from a wider physical spectrum, even if only by an irregular nose or eyes or by being a little plump
• yeah, my life has been taken over by a cat, or rather, I made a little space for a cat and being a cat she marched in and helped herself to the rest. I think that I am a person who has a lot of... for want of a better word, love, but it's all the layers like caring and interest and attention... to give, who would happily lavish attention all over a partner, kids and extended family if that had been the way my life turned out (as long as I had a study to hide in and plenty of space for me too), but as it is, cat and friends and students and random people get some of it, maybe more than they really need so in terms of pictoral representation, I think my representative's workplace or appearance would show signs of their personality and life outside of work - whether that's a large handbag with toy cars in it or kid's pictures on the wall or stuffed animals and seashells on the desk... of course, in trainingland, the desk is always clear and clean unless we are being shown a 'no, do not do this' pile of clutter (which rarely involves REAL clutter, have you noticed? My desk has not just paper but a 50m tape, all sorts of bits of stationary(stapler, tape reels, paperclips of all types and sizes, postits), books, folders, packages, sample baggies, interesting stones, coasters, mugs, pens, a fruit bowl, tissues, some instant soup mix, three half-empty water bottles... all sorts of busy)

I see myself as... human. flawed. enthusiastic. arm-waving. mutli-tasking. slightly scatty. a bit brainy, but mostly persistent and good at coming up with ideas and making connections. bookish. scruffy. creative. someone who aims for integrity. awkward. caring if often clumsy about expressing it. interested. fundamentally interested in the world and how it works. a data junky. well meaning. untidy. lacking control and discipline, especially when it comes to expressing opinions/emotions. prone to treat everyone as if they're peers in a discussion group. barks a lot, never bites. anxious. sees the funny side of things, especially of herself. socially awkward. brisk. British. verbose, noisy, chatterbox. means well. works in bursts. not a detail person. quick-tempered, doesn't sulk. over-analytical. reflective. passionate - but neuter, or neutral, or invisible in a social/sexual sense - not 'interesting' to men or 'challenging' to other women. stressed. big (I was an 'early developer' - I was always the tallest in the class until I was 12 or 13, so in my head I tower. I'm still at the tall end of normal for a woman. And I'm built sturdy, not willowy - even at my 'correct' weight I have a female body - broad shoulders, wide hips, big bust. I've rarely been at said 'correct' weight). warm. likes her own company. sarcastic, but its not personal. accepting. assumes everyone means well and wants to do the best they can. not particularly mature. always has cat hair somewhere about person.

On which note, Madam wants her brekkers!