The ultimate goal

The theme of this quarter's scientiaecarnival is The Ultimate Goal:

Sometimes we lose track of why we got into science. But, at some point, I'm sure we all had grandiose dreams of all the things we were going to accomplish as scientists. Sure, those goals may have changed as we evolved from naive and idealistic undergraduate students to where we are now, but surely there's some big idea that's pushing us, even in the distant background.

So, what is your ultimate career goal? Do you want to win the Nobel Prize? Cure cancer? Build a better mouse trap? What is it that you want to be remembered for career-wise?

I have been thinking about this one and not writing about it, but thought I might as well get something down.

Why did I get into science? There are all sorts of answers. They include:

• "because my school wouldn't let me take history AND further maths together as 'A'level subjects",


• "because I thought that I had a much better chance of retraining in a humanities/social science discipline than a science discipline, that science required a sort of aculturation that happened best when you were young"


• "because I was OK at it"


• "because my Eng Lit teacher was an uncultured person who didn't like me" (I was very annoying, I'm sure)


• "because modern foreign languages are hard"


• "because I loved maths, but realised I wasn't good enough to be a mathematician"


• "because people told me I wasn't clever enough"


• "because I want to know how things work"

But the one that came to mind on reading this prompt was "because I always wanted to be Mr Spock, not Captain Kirk or Dr McCoy." [yes, this is age-revealing. I didn't like next gen's obsession with meetings or the pointlessness of the 'bad guys' - Ferengi = trivial nuisances, Borg/Q = all-powerful, nothing we can do about it, Roms/Klingons = like enough levels of development and strength that their reasons make sense and they are proper antagonists who can actually win sometimes and lose sometimes. It was too touchy-feely-silly, and it clearly needed a Vulcan. Never watched any of the others enough to get a proper feel for them. I rather like the total datedness of ST:classic because it somehow makes the story stand out better. And also, they're just puppets for me to project onto anyway...].

Spock was a scientist who was not mad or bad or evil or unworldly. Spock didn't need sheltering - he sheltered and protected. Spock was calm (and I longed for calm, for self-possession), he didn't have to do the stressful icky people stuff because he was bad at it and it was OK that he was bad at it, he was strong AND brilliantly intelligent AND moral (most scientists get to be just one in fiction, outside of medicine at least), he was heroic and logical and he got to learn cool new stuff every day. Also, he had the best gadgets. Who wouldn't want to be Spock? Teenage me thought that getting the girl/boy (especially when it was always a one night/one week stand) was totally dull compared to finding new life forms! I mean, can you imagine what Mr Spock's publication list would look like?? (Because Spock has the anti-procrastination mojo needed to write up the damn papers already and submit them, right?). Realising that in the canon the calm of a Vulcan is earned and re-earned in daily discipline only made it even cooler.

And yes, I still want to be Mr Spock in many ways. I want the truth to matter more than anything. I want to be a person of integrity, loyal and true and honest. I want to have friends who like me and will be there for me, despite me being completely my own unique self and therefore sometimes irritating or baffling to them. I want to know things, to learn new things and share them again and again. I want to be a protector and an explorer. I want to be disciplined and powerful and valued. I want to leave my department, my field, my discipline, the world of science, maybe even the society and world I live in, a little fairer and more open to all who want to know, a little less clique-y and intolerant and arrogant. I want to pour out a cleanly love of knowledge for its own sake, to share the simple, profound joy when things fall into place and something new is understood, when a puzzle piece clicks home and a long-misread clue makes new, surprising sense.

I do also want to be a good mentor, a teacher, someone who shares. I want to do good work. The sort of work people will still cite occasionally in 50 years time, even if it doesn't hit top of the charts now. Not sexy, hot, 'now' work - useful, meaningful, foundational work. If my science is useful, has impact, that's a bonus. My purpose is more the sharing of the methods, applying myself to the problems that come before me, teaching others how to do the same, and adding my own little pieces of straw and clay to the bricks that build the edifice of knowledge that in the long term, far away, may cure cancer or cancel poverty or save the planet.

I don't really remember if I ever had a single scientific goal. I didn't start this journey meaning to end up in Beach Studies. I may not - indeeed, don't intend to - finish my career in Beach Studies or doing the same sort of work I've done for the past twenty+ years. Maybe that makes me a bit of an imposter, a bit of a waste of a space in the academy, but I have pretty much come to terms with it and with my own un-Spock-ness.

Sometimes, a little puzzle piece falls into place for someone else, and I watch their excitement with great pleasure - almost as great as when it happens to me. I get to be as awed as a little child first realising that the moon is both unbelievably far away AND measurably far away, on a regular basis, and to learn new things. Learning is growth, and growth (and nurturing growth in others) is what I think humans are here to do (I could phrase that in terms of growing in God, growing towards God, seeking to be a little less me and a little more Deity every moment). Science gives me rich soil and many opportunities (Great are the works of the Lord, studied by all who delight in them).

My ultimate goal? To become a better person, help others along the way, and reveal truth. Doesn't that sound pompous? Maybe I should stick to saying 'I wanted to be Mr Spock'.