It's grey and raining and blustery here, and it's my day off. Fortunately I had someone coming round to give me a quote for some much-overdue house maintainance so I had a counter-argument to my wilful brain's determination to stay in bed and snooze all day. I also have a GP appointment this afternoon, which has (so far) helped in refusing the lunchtime nap urge. The late afternoon nap may be succumbed to, however...
The appointment is, or rather could be, for multiple things. I need a referral letter to continue seeing my eye person (long story, but I have an eye problem which is beyond the scope of the standard high-street optician, and once a year or so I get a check up with a specialist. Far various reasons - some of which may be 'academic snobbery' on the part of my specialists' clinic, as they keep telling me that there is only one hospital in the north which they consider to have an 'acceptable' level of expertise in this really rather minor and stable peculiarity I have and its management, and that one happens to be about as far away from NorthernUni as you can get and still be in the North - I have continued to go to the same specialist near AncientInternationallyRenownedUniversity who originally confirmed that I had the problem during my PhD. This is now well outside my 'catchment based on post-code', and occasionally presents challenges (as in 4 hour trip each way for half hour appointment can be a pain to schedule, or is far more likely to be affected by bad weather/the wrong kind of cow on the line/train strikes etc.). Anyway, there was a paperwork snafu, and the clinic there discharged me, and now I need to be reregistered (or registered somewhere else, if my GP won't refer me out of area)).
But... should I also ask about this latest episode of depression? About the remnents of the cold I had which leave me wheezing sometimes (or is that the anxiety? Who knows? Or allergies?)? About my stupid back, which is making walking slow at the moment, and worrying me increasingly as it doesn't improve and fieldwork gets closer? (except I expect I'll get The Weight Lecture and I know that's important and I also don't need the lecture, I'm fed up with myself enough already, and it's not like they've ever been able to offer anything helpful in the past). Should I ask about testing for wheat intolerance? (I'm... suspicious that this might be something I have. I crave bread and a few other foods rich in wheat far more than sweet or fatty foods, and I have NO willpower around such foods, and after eating them I often feel worse than normal - lethargic, or unhappy stomach. I am/was dairy intolerant - a period of complete abstinance from all dairy brought me to the point where much as I love cheese and milk etc. I can eat some, but if I over-indulge I break out in eczema and have to cut back to nothing for a week or two, but am generally able to tolerate low-fat dairy in non-excessive amounts... and I don't crave it anything like as badly as I did before the period of no-dairy. Which was no fun, but did help the eczema a LOT). But all of those things are too much for one appointment, right? And anyway, they are so vague and I don't want to start crying at him because I feel like such a fool - here I am, PhD and 'proper job' and all, unable to stick to a diet or even leave half a loaf of bread in the kitchen for more than a few hours... I know all the theory and most of the science, I know what I need to do, I just can't make myself do it. Failure!
I get very tired of living in this limbo between ill and well, and yet the energy to get out of the rut is as elusive as ever - staying in the rut and not falling into giant potholes of 'ill' is quite enough to do.
However, I did type 1176 words of notes towards the next grant application already this morning, run a load of laundry, empty and refill the dishwasher, and read a third of a novel (and put down the remaining two-thirds for later, which is an achievement in itself - it would be more impressive if the book was truly gripping but I'll take what little victories come my way!).
And now, I am going to look for another 'definitely useful' task to do which is NOT writing REF-reports on my colleagues' papers, which i should have done weeks ago, and am DREADING. I am SO TEMPTED not to do it properly for my more difficult assignments, and just give them high scores, and arguing about the morality of that (and of engaging in the game at all) has effectively enabled me to leave it until it;s now really overdue. Bugger!
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Living in that liminal space between "healthy" and "sick" will take a lot out of you, hence the depression and the diet difficulties. I'm there right now, and it sucks. If you have access to medical care that can help you, I say you should mention it. So many people are not that lucky, and you deserve to feel happy and healthy. If you feel so bad that you fear you may break down in tears, that signals that something is obviously very wrong.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the cravings/diet issues. Ultimately, the thing that works is... not to buy the dangerous items. At all. If it's not in the house, it wont get eaten. An occasional slip at work/socially is OK, but if you eliminate the entire class, ie bread and baked goods, from the house, opportunity to slip up (and feel physically and mentally poorly) is much reduced.
ReplyDeleteFor exercise, the best thing is tracking. So - read fitness blogs (many are by newbies or people trying to get healthier from a difficult place) and use your own for this or start another. Track miles/minutes exercised on something like dailymile or sparkpeople. After a while you get a dataset you can play with mathematically, which for us science geeks is super cool, and just seeing your progress and multiple days exercised per week visualized graphically is supremely motivating. Plus, there is a huge virtual community out there for all forms of fitness/health - you can adapt what you already know and enjoy toward another goal...