Someone who's blog I read was recently diagnosed with a chronic physical illness, and I was jealous. I really, really want some sort of nice tidy physical explanation for my many physical creaks. I want people to stop telling me that I'll enjoy whatever once I'm doing it, and to understand that I hit my limitations sooner than most, and have to balance my energy and resources more carefully, and to... well, to have an acceptable label.
But I DO have a proper chronic health problem. I have depression with a generalised anxiety disorder, and I am on the edges of a depressive episode (I've been circling the abyss for months, I slipped but managed to crawl out at Easter, and it's getting really boring). I have a condition which I don't tell people about... partly because those I have told tend to respond with comments like 'well you don't act depressed' (it's called acting) or 'just lose some weight'/'just find a lover'/'wear cheerful colours'/pull yourself together. I hate being big and solid and fat and verbose and generally robust looking and acting, because I'm not, but people, even good friends and relatives, think I'm being dramatic when I try to ask for help or empathy. And I'm terrified that if I let the mask down for more than a few moments, I'll never get it back. Terrified of losing what grasp I have on being functional, even though it's so painful to hold on.
I have caught myself wishing more and more for a 'real health problem' like laryngitis or a broken leg, so that I can get out of this summer's stressors. I'm afraid of getting really ill again and yet I want to, because this limbo of barely coping is just horrible. I wish I could take a few months off! But it's always 'maybe next year'.
A colleague has been off work for nearly 6 months now, on sick leave. We haven't been told why, and we don't know if or when they'll return. Many comments, increasingly snide comments, are being made about how this person clearly has 'stress related issues' or 'mental health issues', since we've not been told what the problem actually is. The quotation marks are becoming audible. The dismissal, the insult, the belittling, is becoming audible. Even at the last staff meeting, someone asked about their return, someone asked for information, then one person said well if it was stress it was clearly the colleague's own fault for getting stressed and another said something about how easy it was to deceive occupational health over mental health issues, and no-one stopped them. I didn't speak up either, and I don't like myself for that (but as I have been told off for being neurotic, over-emotional and unhelpful at these meetings before, by people who don't know my 'labels', I also know my comment wouldn't have been heard - it's like calling this lot on sexist jokes, it's a sign of lacking a sense of humour, you know?).
It took me about 12 hours after writing the 'I'm a little jealous' comment to realise that I, too, was behaving as if my health problems are NOT chronic, serious and real, or at least as if they are less worthy, less valid than other peoples' problems. If I think and act like that, how can I expect anyone else to take my problems seriously?
I hate this.
And I should probably be grading, or writing a paper or a grant, or 'engaging'.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I really hate to disabuse you, but I do have a physical chronic illness and yet I do not get any of the things you are looking for (help, empathy, understanding).
ReplyDeleteYes, granted, I got some of these for the first two months post-diagnosis (and surgery that was needed) or so, but after that people forgot that there's anything wrong with me - because the illness that I have is not visible. So after that, it's like noone even remembers and if I complain, I get the same kind of non-understanding that you talk about. People are just too immersed in their own worlds & problems to (be able to or wish to) care much about someone else's health issues, especially if those are something that can not be seen or felt.
I noticed this when I got way more sympathy and help when I broke my ankle (had a cast and was on crutches for 6 weeks) last year - people helped and were considerate, because it was something visible and tangible.
So, please, don't wish for a physical illness - it just makes everything much more difficult for you and really doesn't matter to anyone else.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but such is my experience.
Jane this is such an interesting post - I will try not to use up all your comment space but will perhaps post on my own. I think that you do have a legitimate problem, but it is an invisible one (so is mine). I think you have really hit on something, as unfair as it might be - no one else will make your health (mental or otherwise) a priority. You are the only one who might have the inclination to do that. I try to remind myself that even though I have friends who support me at work, I am the only one who will really look after myself. I don't always do that, but no one else will either
ReplyDeleteWhile I do not think you would actually want a chronic illness, I can relate a bit to what you said. I already do have chronic pain & some mobility disability, immune issues and chronic hormonal problems. More stuff keeps coming up even though I am relatively young. There is no relief in sight and I have to learn to live with these difficulties and they affect my work very significantly. But some of these are hard to label and some are invisible. I was recently found myself wishing I had cancer instead. It sounded like a label that people can relate to and can perhaps respect. Of course I don't really want to have cancer but I can relate to the "jealousy" about a legitimately horrible and well-recognized disease sometimes. But as the first commenter says, having serious illness/disability does not get you much sympathy anyway, unfortunately.
ReplyDelete