update part 1: depression

Thank you everyone who commented on my various whingy I-feel-awful depression posts recently.  I only have two 'outside the computer' acquaintances who also have mental health problems so might understand, both of whom do not work and do have kids/local networks etc., and the one I am in contact with more often is always iller than me, in what can feel like a very competitive manner.  I've never really talked about it with my parents, because they worry so, because my Dad has a history of depression himself, because they know about the anxiety and THAT makes them very anxious.  I love that they care, but their worry is an extra burden for me (especially as they worry anyway because I am ::gasp:: single, childless and in my 40s - oh yeah, and much worse at housekeeping/life-organisation than my suitably married, childed etc. younger suster - so whilst they are proud of my job and degrees they are also always a bit confused).  I've mentioned before the complexity of being partly 'out' with mental health problems at work and the reasons I don't want to be more so - just the diagnosis leads to discrimination, never mind actually admitting to having 'an episode' (I am NOT going to say relapse, that term to me implies that depressed me is a bad state and functional me is a virtuous state, and that the transition from the latter to the former is partly a backsliding on my part.  They are both me).  It helps a lot to know that I can 'talk' to people who understand, and have some support.

The worst of the low mood has slithered away again, my feet touch the bottom and my head breaks water, and I wish I knew why.  This is where it can be SO frustrating, trying to track one's own health - there is no control self to compare actions against and use that to develop future strategies.  So, what changed?

• I didn't change my medication regime, I didn't start taking more exercise or eating differently to any noticeable degree beyond the inevitable (since both change as my mood changes anyway).  What DID I do?  I gave in to it and cancelled a few things that felt intolerably hard to do.  Did taking that time help?  Was it just part of the symptom package of that low?  Was it self-indulgent and unnecessary, because I'd've coped and also gotten better when my mental weather decided anyway, regardless?  COULD I have done those thing, if I hadn't been looking ahead to the more daunting larger things later this month? (see, I need to compare the outcomes with a me that actually carried on and did stuff.  _Did_ her back sieze up and her migraine get worse, or did she actually benefit from the day outdoors? etc.etc.).  
• The weather got cooler and more overcast, and it's been raining lately.  I do like cool, rainy weather!  I menstruated, maybe there's a hormonal component.  
• I talked to PDF, and explained that I might not be able to do everything she might expect in the field, including explaining the physical aspects of my back problem (because yes, all aches and pains are affected by anxiety - everything is tense! Fight or flight preparedness! - and by depression, AND I have a history of psychosomatic illness, on top of the actual underlying malformity and old injuries.  Plus, backs are not benefited by persons spending 12+ hours a day in bed and much of the remainder huddled in a chair in 'hiding' posture, which tends to be the default physical response to depression).  That's a positive.  But one negative and one stressful thing happened at work too.

The lack of a pattern - and of predictability - is infuriating!  I do still feel fragile, but the ground is fairly solid under my feet even if it's not certain very far into the future, and I'm enjoying that feeling while I can.  Yes, I should probably go to my GP.  I certainly will at the end of the summer.  But... what can he do?  I already have scope to vary my medication within certain limits; I'm not at the maximum dose for my current SSRI by any means.  Why didn't I whack it up to my permitted maximum during this last bad patch?  Maybe because it was a bad patch... and I did use the range of anxiety medication (cautiously, since raising that too far tends to make me rather zombified if I'm NOT absoluately pumping out the adrenaline...).  I'm not ill enough to be referred to a psychiatrist - heck, I didn't even need a sick note during this episode, I was essentially functional (although you should see the state of my house - no, actually, I'd rather you didn't!) enough to continue to complete essential work duties, to keep myself and my cat clean enough and fed - and I respond acceptably to the current medication.  I can probably get referred for another 6 sessions of CBT, which I don't find very useful - I can observe and reflect on my inner voices and thought processes possibly a bit TOO effectively, and changing negatives to positives in my inner monologue doesn't help fix any of the structural stuff which needs fixing.  I probably need to look privately - i.e. pay! - for therapy using a different approach or longer-term, and I don't really know how to start (and am already paying for chiropractic).  As both the back and the depression are long-standing conditions, I'd not get insurance cover for them now.  I guess that, once the summer's travels are over, I could try the 'new' outsourced university staff limited-time counselling provision.  I think that I should also go and see occupational health again.  But...

this week, two bank holidays, three days of exam paperwork frenzy and preparing for the field week
next week, teaching a field week and attending exam boards
the week after, exam boards, curriculum meetings and preparing for three weeks overseas
then three weeks overseas on fieldwork
then back for 6 days
then ten days on fieldwork in the outer reaches of this country
then daily summer student supervision for four weeks, probably around local fieldwork and definitely around a ton of lab-work
then perhaps a conference (I may withdraw),
maybe as much as ten days OFF
and a week of teaching prep and 'staff retreats' and curriculum meetings etc.
and teaching starts again.

and there's paper writing, and grant writing, and office-taming and stuff to do before then.

Hello duvet, can I crawl back under you for a month or so??  I do miss those long summer holidays as a kid.