more omphaloskepsis - on falling out with my research part 2

In part 1, the last post, I basically concluded that

• there is a lot of People Stuff and People-related Emotional reactions tangled up around research in my work-life at the moment, and 
• that I am possibly being a little bit teenage by rebelling against processes and institutions I disapprove of (REF, lookin' at you, new faculty control-freakery and Incoming's assumption that we're all best buds really and should engage in a lot of communal sharing stuff, you too) in a way that isn't to my own benefit.

A clear illustration of how interesting this post is.  There is not even any paint in that box to dry...

I said then I'd go on to write about the actual research, but that doesn't seem to want to come into words yet.  I have thought of another few things I should add to the list of 'fuzzy stuff' around the issue, though, so here are some poorly expressed bullets of "that woman is very mixed up, poor thing/how irresponsible to let her near impressionable youth!" type rambling.

• webs of obligation can sometimes create teenage-rebellion-type-resistance
• even when they are the result of positively chosen and mutually beneficial collaboration they form constraints around what one does and in what order one does things, and make it difficult to see a clear path
• Psycgirl has been blogging about her own set of career 'crisis' musings, and this post about clearing her research plate in particular made me Feel All The Things.  Still trying to unpick why, but one element is definitely envy - of her self-confidence and ability to make a plan and act?  Her strength?  Her clarity of vision about her list?  (Because even the most annoying things on my list become surprisingly dear when I think about striking them off, stupid brain!  Stupid sunk costs!).  I wonder if I want to do this?  I've certainly let a lot of things slide, but has that been a properly thoughtful process, did I let go the things _I_ wanted rid of or things I felt I _ought_ to be rid of (or someone/someones else told me I ought to be rid of)... and I still have a very long list... maybe its a process I want to try?  Or rather, don't WANT to try but NEED to.
• Part of it is definitely a feeling I've had pretty generally lately as the internet talks about going for tenure, about saying no once you have tenure, about mid-career malaise - I want tenure dammit!  I want to have some kind of external guarantee that a blip year or two, time to recalibrate and think and read and generally ignore all the obligations around research stuff, all the KPIs and REFables and blah blah blah, will not put my job at risk.  I know, I know, it costs a lot to get rid of someone in the UK university system on a continuing contract, I just got promoted so clearly I'm valued, yadda yadda yadda.  This is NOT about reality, it's about belief in reality.  Belief is what makes feelings, and I am jealous of people with that special security of tenure.  Would I take tenure over the promotion?  Yes, absolutely.  Yes, I know it's NOT a guarantee of a job for life and that things are REALLY REALLY bad in parts of the US system right now.  I know all those things. But I feel insecure in my job and I feel like I have to constantly watch over my shoulder for the Research Police and it seems like tenure might at least help with that.  Lord that's childish, but it definitely gets added to the pile of fuzzies.
•  I also wonder if I've allowed myself to buy in to the "impact and income" narrative of what makes research valuable.  I said in my post about being useful that I value research as research, as a means of practicing what I try to teach students about critical thinking, systematic enquiry, objectivity, uncertainty, synthesis, evidence-based communication etc. etc., and research mentoring as a way of supporting students to learn, practice, demonstrate and own those skills, regardless of the subject of that research.  I have also said in various places that I believe in the free pursuit of knowledge, in blue skies research, in working out how the world works, as a valuable and civilised thing, something that should be supported.  But maybe I feel negative about my research at the moment because it just isn't that important, that sexy - I don't know why we've come in academe to behave as if our teaching has to be good by institutional standards, but our research has to be good by international standards... I mean, I get it, it's about communities and sub-fields and all that, that really the teaching comparison and the research comparison are with groups of people of about the same sort of size etc., but the difference feels striking.  Do I secretly judge my research as lacking impact, as not being worthy of income under the current competitive, impact-focused, minimal-resource regime?  Have low paylines and the expectation of disappointment for all but the most 'sexy' and 'significant' of projects, and a dislike to the point of prudish judgement of 'lying' about how every project is going to transform the intellectual world in three years, been masking a negative self-judgement of my own work?
• I know that reading other grant applications, especially successful ones, always makes me feel like there's absolutely no point trying.  Mind you, when I think about competition, I think about sport, and there feeling like there's no use trying is my learned position - a history of being picked last, of being continually corrected and critiqued, of not having any fun, of being promised endorphins that never came, of feeling stupid and incompetent and wanting it to just be over, of not wanting to win since the other person/team seemed to care so much and it was only a stupid game...  Hmmm.  When did I start feeling like research was also just a stupid game?
• Actually, I can pinpoint that quite well.  The year Baby Professor joined the department, I think, and told me that since I couldn't recite the strategic objectives of the five year plan of the funding council and refused to apply for funding for a grad student to do work I had no idea how to do just because it was on a sexy topic, I didn't belong in a 'top rated department'.  He was only being his usual sarky motivate-by-insult laddish self, but that interaction both stuck in my mind and came to summarise, typify and articulate the change in the mood of the department, the university, and in many ways the whole of the UK academic framework in the last decade or so.

Not sure what to do with this stuff, but there it is, OUT.  In conclusion: