Aw, thank you lovely readers! Comments on yesterday's post were most encouraging. This is what makes blogging better than journalling as an outlet.
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Today I spent most of the day at the University's Annual Teaching and Learning (or is that Learning and Teaching? Or Assessment of Learning and Teaching?) conference which, like all such things across the country I imagine, was focused on the scary challenges of a lousy economy and the new Fee Regime from this Autumn - students in the UK currently 'pay' fees of just over £3000 per year for their undergrad degrees (nearly all of them are automatically eligible for a government loan for this plus some living expenses which is paid back on graduation and after reaching a defined salary level, roughly, hence 'pay' is in quotes!) and from this Autumn that rises to £9000 (for most courses at most universities. Some will have lower fees, but most places, mine included, decided that charging less than the allowed maximum would send the message that they were a cheap option and who wants to be the Own Brand Biscuit of the Higher Ed sector? so most are charging the max fee of £9000 for most courses). The government has been adding all sorts of extra complications on top of this, and basically, it's anyone's guess what will happen to recruitment, student choice etc. etc. This is a MASSIVE change and there's no data, no modelling - the government are doing an experiment on a generation of students, and they don't seem to have any idea that this might, just might, not be a good thing.
Typically for my department, I was the only departmental person there. Because although we do many neat and innovative teaching things, heaven forbid we should actually share with other departments... Oh well, I gave a talk, was bored in some sessions, learnt that the university has invested in some sets of clickers for interaction during lectures (I am going to have fun with those clickers!) and a few other cool things that will add to my practice, and chatted to a few people I've come to know over the years of caring about teaching and therefore going along to the odd CPD event like this at a university where not many people do that. It was... mostly fun. Hot, but with good food, and I've brought away a couple of things I'll use as well as presented (and thereby flown the departmental flag).
Depressingly, but not unexpectedly, most of the attendees were female and no Deans and almost no Heads of Department attended despite the 'importance attached by the university to excellenece in teaching' and the reforms which will come in very soon (so they say...) and 'recognise and reward teaching through the promotions system at an equal level with research'. Yeah. NOT holding my breath.
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Came back to the depressing but unsurprising news that all the candidates for the replacement posts (we lose two senior people with heavy teaching loads - friends of mine - through voluntary severance and are replacing them with juniors selected once again on research excellence, not teaching. Because that's worked out so well with the last few hires. Not. But no-one here learns from the evidence... it's all anecdote don't you know?) about whom anything is known by those not on the selection panel are specialists in the other area of Beach Studies - the area which has all the chairs, including BabyProf and the New Prof With Money, and is politically in the ascendent (money. This area Will Generate Research Grants, apparently). So it looks like no new staff, whether they can teach well or not, in 'our' area. Oh well! Students may prefer our area, but that's their problem, apparently. And since we're less active researchers (as in, bring in less MONEY - we seem to publish at at least the same rate), it's OK if we have more students per head - although if we have more students per head, and less senior people, how are we meant to get better at research measures? It is a big mystery!
So I checked my email, and found data files from a student who needed some help with statistics. Data files from a sub-set of the project F data/samples, the part PDF doesn't want to do, which this student chose to analyse for the research project assignment in one of my honours modules. I fixed the input files and tested them by running them through the package, and oh, how PRETTY the outcome is! Yes, it's only a pilot study (two field areas, sub-set of data), but it's doing all the things I hoped it would when I wrote the project design three or so years ago. This student has asked if they can take over this part of the study for a master's dissertation next year, PDF is delighted... and so am I, partly because this student is very diligent, partly because it looks like this bit will WORK, and work WELL. Phew!
A good note to end on. Now to go home and hope the cat didn't do anything dumb today (I store an old cat carrying basket in the middle of a stack of boxes. It's too small for Furball - she can't sit bolt upright in it, where Hairball the previous cat could, so I bought her a larger one for travelled. However, she likes to wriggle into this smaller one as a handy napping spot, since the pile is close to a radiator. Yesterday she somehow managed to wriggle the box out of the pile and upend it so it stood firmly on the ground with the square (small) profile facing the floor. When she tried to stand up her plump little self was a pretty tight fit... she was WEARING the darn box like a shell. She did it whilst I was not just home but in the same room, so I was able to rescue her, and although she was rather ruffled after a couple of cat treats she was fine. Hopefully she didn't do it again just as I left for work this morning... I couldn't help noticing that she was back in the box even though I thought I'd latched it shut when I replaced the pile yesterday...).
Showing posts with label conferencing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conferencing. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Friday, January 06, 2012
post-conference malcontent
Malcontent-triggering thing the first: finding that when you very sensibly booked yourself into a chain motel room half way through the (long) drive home from the conference you somehow managed to pick the crappiest individual of said chain that you have ever encountered, and adding to the annoyance by driving past a perfectly nice example of a competitor chain (whose room price deal was equally good) on the way which was next to several nice food options.
Thing the second: finding out multiple football fans have also chosen said motel, and have apparently dealt with the isolation of said motel relative to pubs by bringing a lot of tinnies with them. It could be a loooonng night. And I only had an indifferent veggie burger (didn't fancy getting back into the car, and that was the only walking distance option) for tea... ::pout::
So. Given this basic level of grump-priming, which follows on driving in the dark and rain through a seemingly three hour long Friday evening rush hour to get here after a day of conference, what follows probably needs taking with a tablespoon ful or so of salt.
Thing the third: why are there no prizes for mid-career academics who are juggling all aspects of the job? Sure, it's nice to acknowledge the life-time achievements of the recently retired senior professor, or identify the up and coming star's awesomeness with a prize which has the power to positively influence their career trajectory in a self-fulfilling kind of a way, but being too old for the up-and-coming and, let's be honest, not playing the game the right way to get a life-time achievement award even if I manage to spend a life-time in the field/groves, I hate sitting through the award citations. Yeah, so why DID I not skip?
Thing the fourth: why does speaker after speaker "tell us off" for not communicating effectively with 'the public', which includes policy makers, industrial firms, NGOs, lay people, school children etc. I do three effing jobs, people, and I trained/studied/worked a long time to achieve some sort of competence - formal research training and a long apprenticeship/journeymanship, training specifically in teaching adult learners in a post-compulsory setting (and essentially writing my own text books for every class since we 'don't use text books much, students might not buy them and then they'd be disadvantaged' or 'there is no book that covers the curriculum and no you can't change the curriculum' here), and university-level administration including quality paperwork, people management, assessment, budgets and costing, report writing for multiple purposes in multiple styles, all that sort of stuff. So why do I have to be made to feel bad that I don't ALSO know how to teach school children, get on TV, write newspaper articles, engage in public debate in an accessible manner, show off how human and lovely I am whilst being a rigorous but non-scary scientist and dressing like a normal person? I'm sorry, but I can't.
I was very pleased when one person - who works for a government agency - got up and said that they thought that as a tax payer they wanted scientists to Do Science, teachers to teach at the level they were trained to teach, and that universities should make their press, marketing or communications offices do the heavy work of translating and communicating, not the scientists, unless the scientists really wanted to. Of course, this person was accused of being lazy because they didn't want to acquire the skills to do this themselves.
I have long argued that being an academic suits both my strengths and my weaknesses, but my weaknesses are definitely exposed by this requirement that we add all these new skills to the portfolio. I'm fed up of being told off for not doing the jobs of half a dozen people without the necessary training and resources. SULK.
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The conference was good. There were lots of nice people, old friends and new, edible food, interesting talks, variety, networking, all sortsx of good stuff.
But I can't wait until that moment tmorrow when I bring Furball into the house and shut the rest of the world out for 36 hours! I'm ready to go home...
Thing the second: finding out multiple football fans have also chosen said motel, and have apparently dealt with the isolation of said motel relative to pubs by bringing a lot of tinnies with them. It could be a loooonng night. And I only had an indifferent veggie burger (didn't fancy getting back into the car, and that was the only walking distance option) for tea... ::pout::
So. Given this basic level of grump-priming, which follows on driving in the dark and rain through a seemingly three hour long Friday evening rush hour to get here after a day of conference, what follows probably needs taking with a tablespoon ful or so of salt.
Thing the third: why are there no prizes for mid-career academics who are juggling all aspects of the job? Sure, it's nice to acknowledge the life-time achievements of the recently retired senior professor, or identify the up and coming star's awesomeness with a prize which has the power to positively influence their career trajectory in a self-fulfilling kind of a way, but being too old for the up-and-coming and, let's be honest, not playing the game the right way to get a life-time achievement award even if I manage to spend a life-time in the field/groves, I hate sitting through the award citations. Yeah, so why DID I not skip?
Thing the fourth: why does speaker after speaker "tell us off" for not communicating effectively with 'the public', which includes policy makers, industrial firms, NGOs, lay people, school children etc. I do three effing jobs, people, and I trained/studied/worked a long time to achieve some sort of competence - formal research training and a long apprenticeship/journeymanship, training specifically in teaching adult learners in a post-compulsory setting (and essentially writing my own text books for every class since we 'don't use text books much, students might not buy them and then they'd be disadvantaged' or 'there is no book that covers the curriculum and no you can't change the curriculum' here), and university-level administration including quality paperwork, people management, assessment, budgets and costing, report writing for multiple purposes in multiple styles, all that sort of stuff. So why do I have to be made to feel bad that I don't ALSO know how to teach school children, get on TV, write newspaper articles, engage in public debate in an accessible manner, show off how human and lovely I am whilst being a rigorous but non-scary scientist and dressing like a normal person? I'm sorry, but I can't.
I was very pleased when one person - who works for a government agency - got up and said that they thought that as a tax payer they wanted scientists to Do Science, teachers to teach at the level they were trained to teach, and that universities should make their press, marketing or communications offices do the heavy work of translating and communicating, not the scientists, unless the scientists really wanted to. Of course, this person was accused of being lazy because they didn't want to acquire the skills to do this themselves.
I have long argued that being an academic suits both my strengths and my weaknesses, but my weaknesses are definitely exposed by this requirement that we add all these new skills to the portfolio. I'm fed up of being told off for not doing the jobs of half a dozen people without the necessary training and resources. SULK.
***********************
The conference was good. There were lots of nice people, old friends and new, edible food, interesting talks, variety, networking, all sortsx of good stuff.
But I can't wait until that moment tmorrow when I bring Furball into the house and shut the rest of the world out for 36 hours! I'm ready to go home...
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Conferencing
Today is back to work. Yesterday I left my parents' place and drove (slowly thanks to all the pottering holiday drivers admiring the view with granny in the back seat) to a friend's place near AncientUniversityCity. We had a quiet visit to a few scenes from our youth (and her present), dodged tourists, chatted, and ate some good food - plus my hip didn't play up significantly which was good, as it's been most annoying in ParentLand.
I finally got to meet her (furry) significant other - they've been together for over ten years but although we have met at various events and venues, I've not been to her house since he moved in. He's a handsome little fellow prone to Deep Thoughts, with an incredible long, broad and fluffy tail, so it was nice to put a face to the purrs/recriminations for attention-seeking that I hear over the phone.
After a night on her amazingly fancy airbed I drove through some impressively wild wind and rain to conference-ville - which this year is in the countryside. This would be great... if I'd been allocated a room in the actual conference hotel, which is truly in the middle of nowhere.
Instead, I'm in a modern box hotel in the nearest small town, which is perfectly fine, but means I need to drive to and fro (about 15 minutes. There will be a minibus, but it will only go at set times, and as we are eating at the venue, that will inevitably mean a very late return since most people will want to stay in the bar, and also means a very early start from here - no sneaking in a little late to the first session, even if you aren't interested in the subject matter), can't retreat to my room to collect things I forgot or have a break during a dull session or because it's all got a bit much (like most academic intraverts I find conferences hard going) or to top up sleep before sitting in the bar late into the evening, and in general it just annoys me. It adds to the stress, and I don't need any more stress.
As soon as I could check in I did and had a 'little' nap followed by a 'brief' channel-surf...
I still have to write my talk... oops.... thinking of giving it WITHOUT POWERPOINT because it's a polemic rather than a 'here is some data' talk (the meeting is on the Relevance of Beach Studies to Modern Society, roughly speaking, and my talk is along the lines of 'Why Local Authorities Don't Talk To Beach Scientists When It's Time To Buy Deck Chairs and What We Can Do Differently To Get Their Attention'). It's all rather tangential to most of my work but, well, I should see a lot of people I know which is something.
I finally got to meet her (furry) significant other - they've been together for over ten years but although we have met at various events and venues, I've not been to her house since he moved in. He's a handsome little fellow prone to Deep Thoughts, with an incredible long, broad and fluffy tail, so it was nice to put a face to the purrs/recriminations for attention-seeking that I hear over the phone.
After a night on her amazingly fancy airbed I drove through some impressively wild wind and rain to conference-ville - which this year is in the countryside. This would be great... if I'd been allocated a room in the actual conference hotel, which is truly in the middle of nowhere.
Instead, I'm in a modern box hotel in the nearest small town, which is perfectly fine, but means I need to drive to and fro (about 15 minutes. There will be a minibus, but it will only go at set times, and as we are eating at the venue, that will inevitably mean a very late return since most people will want to stay in the bar, and also means a very early start from here - no sneaking in a little late to the first session, even if you aren't interested in the subject matter), can't retreat to my room to collect things I forgot or have a break during a dull session or because it's all got a bit much (like most academic intraverts I find conferences hard going) or to top up sleep before sitting in the bar late into the evening, and in general it just annoys me. It adds to the stress, and I don't need any more stress.
As soon as I could check in I did and had a 'little' nap followed by a 'brief' channel-surf...
I still have to write my talk... oops.... thinking of giving it WITHOUT POWERPOINT because it's a polemic rather than a 'here is some data' talk (the meeting is on the Relevance of Beach Studies to Modern Society, roughly speaking, and my talk is along the lines of 'Why Local Authorities Don't Talk To Beach Scientists When It's Time To Buy Deck Chairs and What We Can Do Differently To Get Their Attention'). It's all rather tangential to most of my work but, well, I should see a lot of people I know which is something.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
conferenced out
A group of American students are singing "Science is over, time for beer" outside the hotel (to at least two different tunes, I believe). The conference ended with free beer outside the meeting hall at 4 in the afternoon, and the amount of drink per head was very generous because as usual people have been sliding away to catch trains or planes or do some touristing all day, so not so many people stayed for the lengthy closing bits...
My brain is full, my feet hurt, I had a mostly good time, and I'm ready to go home. Although going back to work is less appealing! Anonymous from the last post, you're right, the fed-up-ness level was pretty low mid conference - though I don't think I could do mega-conferences too often! As the time to go home nears, it's rising a little - I have so much to do - but I do feel like maybe I am not doing too badly... and that some people actually value what I do. All the modelling I did on Sunday is now null and void, though - I met with the PI of DataCrunchingProject and he basically said 'oh, I didn't mean for you to do it like THAT' and now it all needs doing again. Sigh...
I need to pack, but maybe I will have a little nap first...
My brain is full, my feet hurt, I had a mostly good time, and I'm ready to go home. Although going back to work is less appealing! Anonymous from the last post, you're right, the fed-up-ness level was pretty low mid conference - though I don't think I could do mega-conferences too often! As the time to go home nears, it's rising a little - I have so much to do - but I do feel like maybe I am not doing too badly... and that some people actually value what I do. All the modelling I did on Sunday is now null and void, though - I met with the PI of DataCrunchingProject and he basically said 'oh, I didn't mean for you to do it like THAT' and now it all needs doing again. Sigh...
I need to pack, but maybe I will have a little nap first...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I am Not Good at conference clothes and other mid-conference omphaloskepsis
@Digger - yes, I'm pretty sure it was a negative response to my PJs - there were raised eyebrows and, well, at the least, it was concealed amusement and probably something a little more judgemental. But I WAS comfy.
In other clothes news, either I gained a stone or so overnight or I shrunk a new pair of trousers the first time I washed them - I'm going with the latter hypothesis for the moment! So today was ALSO stylish as the trousers were both tight and a couple of inches too short. Fortunately it's not been too hot, so wearing the rest of the stuff I bought with me for an extra day is not going to be too much of an issue and I'm able to wear all the things I brought, not just the hot-weather end of the spectrum. Conference clothing is such a fraught issue... I met one person who accidentally read the wrong weather forecast (the weather for ConferenceCity, USA not ConferenceCity, Europe) and had only brought the most tropical of clothing (personally, I have always found that in the USA hot weather means cold indoors thanks to over-efficient air-conditioning, but maybe this person thought that Europe would not know about aircon or have cool stone-built old buildings as an alternative, so everywhere would be as hot as outside) - as it has rained a bit on two days, they've been a bit chilly.... although indoors the modern, mainly glass and concrete building conditions have been rather warm and humid (especially where sessions were assigned to too-small rooms...) so they will have been comfortable indoors.
Today I was mostly in my room running models, with a couple of walks around the neighbourhood to pick up some snacks at a fascinating little Asian grocery store that was open on a Sunday and to stretch my legs, so it didn't matter much (and tight trews did make me sit up properly at the rather inadequate desk in the room, thus allowing me to work for longer without joint pain than if I had slumped more comfortably)... and I did tick some stuff OFF MY LIST for DataCrunchingPaper! Such a good feeling... I have actually done part or all of every point on the list of tasks-for-JaneB that the meeting yesterday generated. OK, the nasty re-crunching that has now been moved to the second paper isn't progressed, but still, I shall enjoy the sense of achievement for the rest of the evening!
@anon grad student - I hope I was able to help my inherited students! Such an ikky position to e in for them... Certainly I felt like I put quite a lot of work into them (although as discussed to death elsewhere students often see supervisors as having little input even when they aren't inherited!)... with the senior one, their ideas were pretty well formed and they knew the literature, in fact they continued to get some support from the (large and famous) lab where they'd worked as a tech for a few years before starting the PhD, so my contribution was mainly in the technical areas, things like editing text, discussing thesis structure, diagram-making-software, the details of data interpretation, pushing their ideas by discussing things and asking awkward questions... useful, but not essential, is my recollection. But I am still proud of this student - their PhD was truely excellent and I feel like I can claim a little contribution (if only by being the irritant that made it truely their own work and not a 'copy' of the sort of work done by the large and famous lab (which in my view is a bit slick and formulaic, and the student did an excellent job of going beyond that). Student still hasn't PUBLISHED the PhD work - they went to a post-doc where they published well from botht he post-doc and the previous tech-job, then a teaching-heavy job which suited them and their family perfectly but had a limited research requirement which was fulfilled by new work and work with students. But plans to soon, and the thesis is available electronically and gets cited regularly. A great advert for NorthernUni, and student is such a great person too...
With the more junior one, I had more intellectual input, I feel. But they were a scientist whose tranforming year from working reactively, in response to prompts, to being a truely original and proactive scientist in control of their own ideas and science, which I think is the final step to being a "proper grown up PhD" didn't happen until their second year as a post-doc (for the first guy, that year was probably the first year of the PhD, so they had already made that step when I took over, if that makes sense). Also, the project they were committed to when I inherited... let's just say that I lost all respect for the guy I replaced as a scientist once I found out a) the state of the lab and the methods being used (which would have been fine if the samples had been totally different or the research questions had been totally other than they were... a classic case of "I used a hammer for my PhD on TinCanFlattening, so we are All Using Hammers For Ever and it is because of Your Lack of Skill that you can't undo those screws or carve that statue") and b) the samples collected by this second student which, well, if you'd set out to choose samples which would not detect the effects originally being studied you could hardly have done better). The whole period felt to me more like a desperate (but ultimately successful!) attempt to find some useful new discoveries and a PhD in the mass of data accumulated than like a good developmental experience, so I think I had a helpful effect (the student did get a PhD! Just not on the topic they really cared about. And they were also able to get a series of post-docs and now a lectureship in that topic... in fact, somewhat ironically, that student starts a job I'd love this Autumn, as faculty at a department with a functional and exciting group of research scientists in our wider field, a 'better' (wealthier, selecting-not-recruiting, great location, greater academic standing) university and will have both a lighter teaching load than me and a teaching load which relates to their research (unlike me... I teach so widely I sometimes forget WHAT I actually DO, it feels)) but it was not a great experience for the student who must have been pretty stressed and unhappy much of the time.
This particular conference is the major one which represents one aspect of my research field, and which meets every few years. Let's see... if I do Beach Studies, this is maybe a Watery Leisure Venues Conference. My PhD was done in a supergroup which was very much WLV in focus, with my superviosor doing Beach Studies, and others doing River Bank Studies, Sailing Studies, Water Parks and Swimming Pools, that sort of range of things - people in fields with some fundamental differences but a lot of the same fundamental aspects like the presence of sand and water. I've not been to many meetings with this community in the last decade; when I do go to large meetings it's been in Shell Studies or Sand and Mud Constructions. I've met so many people from my own PhD years here - not my supervisor, who never liked large conferences and has now declared he will never attend another, so once again I feel oddly abandoned, but I'm getting used to the idea that he doesn't give a toss about what I do now, or has no interest in it, whilst he goes out of his way to attend talks and talk up others from the same general cohort, and really, I should have grown out of needing his approval by now, right? The other supervisor whose group shared the lab facilities (his lot did bank studies) was flatteringly delighted to see me, PhDBenchMate offered me access to her huge project and introduced me to the international leader of said project who was definitely interested in me joining in (and even came to my talk despite it being scheduled before 9am in a peripheral building and a too-small room - when a senior professor will both find your inconvenient venue and stand in the doorway through your talk because there are no chairs or spaces in the room left [note: it was a too-small room, not an amazing talk!], it seems like they're interested. People who were post-docs or visitors want to talk to me, and it's not just reminiscing, it's about ideas too, and I'm delighted to see them. It reminds me that I do have a place in this field, a small one but a real and solid one. And people I don't even know want to talk to me!
The novelty of being a bit older, a bit more established, has not yet worn off... perhaps because I've also been asked several times whose post-doc or even grad student I am. I'm over forty, fat and greying and clearly 'mature', so I guess this confusion is related to my gender? Sigh. As usual, lots of young women, far fewer older women, and many of those are 'life post-docs' who are great scientists but not leading groups and on soft money - even when they do have a 'continuing' job, its continuity depends on continued success in grant applications. Which is a perfectly valid way to work, and rather attractive in some ways, but means that they have little power or influence on the wider discipline and its culture. And perpetuate the demographic imbalance.
Conferencing full-on tomorrow, and an evening out with a selection of colleagues old and new from ExoticCountry (DrVisit is here, which is fun - we meet tomorrow to Talk Science), so I'd better log off...
In other clothes news, either I gained a stone or so overnight or I shrunk a new pair of trousers the first time I washed them - I'm going with the latter hypothesis for the moment! So today was ALSO stylish as the trousers were both tight and a couple of inches too short. Fortunately it's not been too hot, so wearing the rest of the stuff I bought with me for an extra day is not going to be too much of an issue and I'm able to wear all the things I brought, not just the hot-weather end of the spectrum. Conference clothing is such a fraught issue... I met one person who accidentally read the wrong weather forecast (the weather for ConferenceCity, USA not ConferenceCity, Europe) and had only brought the most tropical of clothing (personally, I have always found that in the USA hot weather means cold indoors thanks to over-efficient air-conditioning, but maybe this person thought that Europe would not know about aircon or have cool stone-built old buildings as an alternative, so everywhere would be as hot as outside) - as it has rained a bit on two days, they've been a bit chilly.... although indoors the modern, mainly glass and concrete building conditions have been rather warm and humid (especially where sessions were assigned to too-small rooms...) so they will have been comfortable indoors.
Today I was mostly in my room running models, with a couple of walks around the neighbourhood to pick up some snacks at a fascinating little Asian grocery store that was open on a Sunday and to stretch my legs, so it didn't matter much (and tight trews did make me sit up properly at the rather inadequate desk in the room, thus allowing me to work for longer without joint pain than if I had slumped more comfortably)... and I did tick some stuff OFF MY LIST for DataCrunchingPaper! Such a good feeling... I have actually done part or all of every point on the list of tasks-for-JaneB that the meeting yesterday generated. OK, the nasty re-crunching that has now been moved to the second paper isn't progressed, but still, I shall enjoy the sense of achievement for the rest of the evening!
@anon grad student - I hope I was able to help my inherited students! Such an ikky position to e in for them... Certainly I felt like I put quite a lot of work into them (although as discussed to death elsewhere students often see supervisors as having little input even when they aren't inherited!)... with the senior one, their ideas were pretty well formed and they knew the literature, in fact they continued to get some support from the (large and famous) lab where they'd worked as a tech for a few years before starting the PhD, so my contribution was mainly in the technical areas, things like editing text, discussing thesis structure, diagram-making-software, the details of data interpretation, pushing their ideas by discussing things and asking awkward questions... useful, but not essential, is my recollection. But I am still proud of this student - their PhD was truely excellent and I feel like I can claim a little contribution (if only by being the irritant that made it truely their own work and not a 'copy' of the sort of work done by the large and famous lab (which in my view is a bit slick and formulaic, and the student did an excellent job of going beyond that). Student still hasn't PUBLISHED the PhD work - they went to a post-doc where they published well from botht he post-doc and the previous tech-job, then a teaching-heavy job which suited them and their family perfectly but had a limited research requirement which was fulfilled by new work and work with students. But plans to soon, and the thesis is available electronically and gets cited regularly. A great advert for NorthernUni, and student is such a great person too...
With the more junior one, I had more intellectual input, I feel. But they were a scientist whose tranforming year from working reactively, in response to prompts, to being a truely original and proactive scientist in control of their own ideas and science, which I think is the final step to being a "proper grown up PhD" didn't happen until their second year as a post-doc (for the first guy, that year was probably the first year of the PhD, so they had already made that step when I took over, if that makes sense). Also, the project they were committed to when I inherited... let's just say that I lost all respect for the guy I replaced as a scientist once I found out a) the state of the lab and the methods being used (which would have been fine if the samples had been totally different or the research questions had been totally other than they were... a classic case of "I used a hammer for my PhD on TinCanFlattening, so we are All Using Hammers For Ever and it is because of Your Lack of Skill that you can't undo those screws or carve that statue") and b) the samples collected by this second student which, well, if you'd set out to choose samples which would not detect the effects originally being studied you could hardly have done better). The whole period felt to me more like a desperate (but ultimately successful!) attempt to find some useful new discoveries and a PhD in the mass of data accumulated than like a good developmental experience, so I think I had a helpful effect (the student did get a PhD! Just not on the topic they really cared about. And they were also able to get a series of post-docs and now a lectureship in that topic... in fact, somewhat ironically, that student starts a job I'd love this Autumn, as faculty at a department with a functional and exciting group of research scientists in our wider field, a 'better' (wealthier, selecting-not-recruiting, great location, greater academic standing) university and will have both a lighter teaching load than me and a teaching load which relates to their research (unlike me... I teach so widely I sometimes forget WHAT I actually DO, it feels)) but it was not a great experience for the student who must have been pretty stressed and unhappy much of the time.
This particular conference is the major one which represents one aspect of my research field, and which meets every few years. Let's see... if I do Beach Studies, this is maybe a Watery Leisure Venues Conference. My PhD was done in a supergroup which was very much WLV in focus, with my superviosor doing Beach Studies, and others doing River Bank Studies, Sailing Studies, Water Parks and Swimming Pools, that sort of range of things - people in fields with some fundamental differences but a lot of the same fundamental aspects like the presence of sand and water. I've not been to many meetings with this community in the last decade; when I do go to large meetings it's been in Shell Studies or Sand and Mud Constructions. I've met so many people from my own PhD years here - not my supervisor, who never liked large conferences and has now declared he will never attend another, so once again I feel oddly abandoned, but I'm getting used to the idea that he doesn't give a toss about what I do now, or has no interest in it, whilst he goes out of his way to attend talks and talk up others from the same general cohort, and really, I should have grown out of needing his approval by now, right? The other supervisor whose group shared the lab facilities (his lot did bank studies) was flatteringly delighted to see me, PhDBenchMate offered me access to her huge project and introduced me to the international leader of said project who was definitely interested in me joining in (and even came to my talk despite it being scheduled before 9am in a peripheral building and a too-small room - when a senior professor will both find your inconvenient venue and stand in the doorway through your talk because there are no chairs or spaces in the room left [note: it was a too-small room, not an amazing talk!], it seems like they're interested. People who were post-docs or visitors want to talk to me, and it's not just reminiscing, it's about ideas too, and I'm delighted to see them. It reminds me that I do have a place in this field, a small one but a real and solid one. And people I don't even know want to talk to me!
The novelty of being a bit older, a bit more established, has not yet worn off... perhaps because I've also been asked several times whose post-doc or even grad student I am. I'm over forty, fat and greying and clearly 'mature', so I guess this confusion is related to my gender? Sigh. As usual, lots of young women, far fewer older women, and many of those are 'life post-docs' who are great scientists but not leading groups and on soft money - even when they do have a 'continuing' job, its continuity depends on continued success in grant applications. Which is a perfectly valid way to work, and rather attractive in some ways, but means that they have little power or influence on the wider discipline and its culture. And perpetuate the demographic imbalance.
Conferencing full-on tomorrow, and an evening out with a selection of colleagues old and new from ExoticCountry (DrVisit is here, which is fun - we meet tomorrow to Talk Science), so I'd better log off...
Saturday, July 23, 2011
in which I am uncool
The hotel I'm staying in is a bit odd - there are actually two hotels in the building. The bottom floor is the lobby for the posher, more expensive hotel which has the rooms on the lower floors and the second floor the lobby for the cheaper hotel where I'm staying which occupies the upper floors. The lifts are shared.
I've been reading my email, doing a bit of blog-reading and generally 'chilling' this evening, rather than going out drinking, and decided to take the lift down to the lobby of 'my' hotel to get some crisps from the snack machine. I didn't bother to get changed, so I left my room wearing pyjama pants and a loudly non-matching T-shirt, with my hair in a very casual knot (with a pencil in it). And when I called the lift, there was an elegant, senior, elderly male professor from a more formal country than the UK and his spouse, both also attending the conference. They both looked at my (star-spattered) PJ pants with polite confusion as we descended in silence...
Yeah, I know how to conference in style.
I've been reading my email, doing a bit of blog-reading and generally 'chilling' this evening, rather than going out drinking, and decided to take the lift down to the lobby of 'my' hotel to get some crisps from the snack machine. I didn't bother to get changed, so I left my room wearing pyjama pants and a loudly non-matching T-shirt, with my hair in a very casual knot (with a pencil in it). And when I called the lift, there was an elegant, senior, elderly male professor from a more formal country than the UK and his spouse, both also attending the conference. They both looked at my (star-spattered) PJ pants with polite confusion as we descended in silence...
Yeah, I know how to conference in style.
My brain is full
Today was a rather mixed day, ending much better than it started. I woke up thick with cold, accidentally switched off the alarm instead of snoozing it, and missed the one talk I'd marked as a 'definite-pick' for today. I went over to the conference centre feeling grumpy, went up to the session, found there were no seats, and came back to the main area feeling most hard done by. But I ran into FocusedWoman, who roped me in to help hang her poster - the whole set up is designed for tall people, and FocusedWOman is definitely the type to find someone to help rather than look for a step stool! - and then we got chatting about how she might analyse her very new data, and then a former member of my lab (now working in industry) came past and chatted, and then I ran into one of my 'inherited' grad students (when I started my post, someone in my field had just left to go to a university on the other side of the world, leaving one grad student well embarked on his thesis research and one who had got just far enough in that they couldn't start over, but was well out of their depth... and to all our surprises, they were handed to me to supervise. Hence inherited! They are both academics now, and both at this conference, which makes me rather proud even if I didn't have all that much of a hand in their training) and had fun catching up on how he's doing, and news of his kids. So I was feeling more grounded and connected by lunch time.
A quick lunch, and I went to a meeting about DataCrunchingPaper. There, we made a decision which substantially reduces the amount of work I need to do to get the first paper submitted - yay! I've been thinking for a while that there was one chunk of the material which just didn't want to fit with the rest of the data, and was really struggling to write the methods, results and discussion in a concise yet meaningful way as part of a larger paper, and now that chunk (with some extra analyses and stuff) will get to be a paper on its own, which it clearly wants to be. So that's good. And we clarified the next steps, so overall I'm feeling rather positive. I chose not to book onto a mid-conference excursion, so tomorrow is a free day and I will probably spend some of it working on the paper - it would be very good to get this one off my list by the end of the summer.
After that meeting, I wandered back to the poster room just in time for the coffee break - more chatting and poster reading, then I finally went to a talk, staying in the room for the whole final block of one session. THe usual mix of conference talks - fascinating, irritating, wacky, and badly-timed all featured, along with some poor chairing and some rather creative data interpretation - but overall it was fine. In post-session chatting, I added two coffee-meetings, a lunch get together and an evening out in town to my schedule for the remainder of the trip... And then I came back to my room for bread and cheese (eating out is very expensive here!) and am contemplating a nap, feeling much more like a competent, connected person. Who still has a cold, but you can't have everything!
A quick lunch, and I went to a meeting about DataCrunchingPaper. There, we made a decision which substantially reduces the amount of work I need to do to get the first paper submitted - yay! I've been thinking for a while that there was one chunk of the material which just didn't want to fit with the rest of the data, and was really struggling to write the methods, results and discussion in a concise yet meaningful way as part of a larger paper, and now that chunk (with some extra analyses and stuff) will get to be a paper on its own, which it clearly wants to be. So that's good. And we clarified the next steps, so overall I'm feeling rather positive. I chose not to book onto a mid-conference excursion, so tomorrow is a free day and I will probably spend some of it working on the paper - it would be very good to get this one off my list by the end of the summer.
After that meeting, I wandered back to the poster room just in time for the coffee break - more chatting and poster reading, then I finally went to a talk, staying in the room for the whole final block of one session. THe usual mix of conference talks - fascinating, irritating, wacky, and badly-timed all featured, along with some poor chairing and some rather creative data interpretation - but overall it was fine. In post-session chatting, I added two coffee-meetings, a lunch get together and an evening out in town to my schedule for the remainder of the trip... And then I came back to my room for bread and cheese (eating out is very expensive here!) and am contemplating a nap, feeling much more like a competent, connected person. Who still has a cold, but you can't have everything!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
My poor feet!
This is a huge conference, and the venue is such that the parallel talk sessions are in a range of buildings (NOT GOOD, it makes moving between sessions nearly impossible). Morning coffee and lunch is served in an area with little standing-height tables only, and afternoon coffee was served during the (standing only) poster session. THen there was a drinks reception which also had no chairs. I did get to sit down during some talks, but had to get up and leave one session because my cough became troublesome - more standing outside coughing and hoping it would subside... One of the little miseries of the last week of fieldwork was that I split the hard skin on one of my heels, across the sole of the foot again. Apparently this split really hates my smartish sandals and conference standing around.
On the plus side, my poster is over, and I have written my talk (first session tomorrow - I need to be there at 8am local time, which is 7am home time... sigh) - and it's nice to see so many people I know, and friends.
On the plus side, my poster is over, and I have written my talk (first session tomorrow - I need to be there at 8am local time, which is 7am home time... sigh) - and it's nice to see so many people I know, and friends.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
feeling hard done by
Yesterday, the conference was good, interesting, thought-provoking, very applied and yet I could see how what I do fits into the applied goals - one of those meetings when you feel like you should be taking loads of notes not for the science per se but for bits of the general statements you have to write for your grants. But my brain was full, and I hadn't slept well (because I am a moron and was worrying a lot about the WierdBugMan thing, and that led to worrying about ProjectF in general, and a cheap hotel room in central London isn't the quietest place to sleep anyway, and so once you start to worry about not getting ENOUGH sleep and how soon you have to get up, you start not being able to sleep because of the street sounds and light and stuff...). Looking back on it, I should have taken an extra dose of anxiety medication, which is mildly soporific in itself as well as 'primed-for-flight-feelings-suppressing'. But, no. Apologies to the third speaker in the final session, I did indeed drop off whilst sitting in a chair, at least I didn't actually FALL off the chair, just jerked awake rather violently.
Then I walked to the station with another attendee, situated myself in the "CostsALot" coffee shop near the station because it had a table free, and treated myself to a fancy coffee - OK, it was decaf but it was a latte (with skimmed milk 'cos I'm extravagent like that) and flavoured syrup (which was slightly disappointing, but still, fancy coffee!). And managed to actually get the first sessions worth of conference report drafted on my netbook - working in coffee shops is something I just don't do normally, but the experience was quite good, the background noise settles into an energy-boosting blur rather than being distracting (as long as I have my back to the wall and no good people-watching in my eyeline or eavesdropping in my... well, earline. earcone?).
British train ticket pricing is very complicated, and in order to save money (since I'm basically self-funding this conference, I expect) I had booked on a later train, which meant that I didn't get home until nearly midnight. As Marmoset says in her comment there's nowhere interesting to eat near the station... but the Cornish Pasty stall does a vegetarian wholewheat-vegetable giant pasty which is pretty tasty for 'junk food' (and a giant cheese and potato pasty which I womanfully resisted). Sadly the place that does organic vegetable soup to take away had shut for the night... which somehow translated as a reason to treat myself to a piece of rhubarb cake from another outlet (well, it was the least fatty/junky looking sweet thing easily available, and I knew that by about 9pm I would be craving sweet as a substitute for an early night!). It was pretty decent cake., although I make better myself...
And then it was up again early today for the university teaching conference (sorry, learning and teaching). Which was... well, interesting might be the word. Lots of talk of change and innovation and equipping students for citizenship and a talk from an Australian guy who's worked in the UK for several decades, has a UK wife and, given his academic discipline, had NO EXCUSES for saying something this stupid, but insisted that it would be hard for us British People to understand the idea or value of citizenship since we're Subjects (I sat there muttering things about common law and magna carta and Mother of Parliments until he moved on to something else stupid). Oh, and the keynote speaker applied ecological population models to innovation in the light bulb industry and turned that into a message about not being afraid of risk but we couldn't fail if we were passionate enough about our Mission. That was a little light relief. But it all makes me feel old, and tired, and disengaged.
I went to some sessions on technology in the classroom which were really useless, BUT I sat next to a guy from the central IT service at coffee who happened to be able to not only answer my 'is it possible' question about something I want to do, but whipped out his ipad and emailed me a set of instructions on how to do it using some shareware and then install it on the VLE, so it was a learning win overall. I was glad to be able to leave early on a catatarian mercy mission, retrieving Furball from the cattery...
And now I am (supposedly) writing a handout for tomorrow's Science Event For Schools (which I was PROMISED I wouldn't have to take part in this year), but actually having a whinge on my blog first. Right, write handout.
Tomorrow
Then I walked to the station with another attendee, situated myself in the "CostsALot" coffee shop near the station because it had a table free, and treated myself to a fancy coffee - OK, it was decaf but it was a latte (with skimmed milk 'cos I'm extravagent like that) and flavoured syrup (which was slightly disappointing, but still, fancy coffee!). And managed to actually get the first sessions worth of conference report drafted on my netbook - working in coffee shops is something I just don't do normally, but the experience was quite good, the background noise settles into an energy-boosting blur rather than being distracting (as long as I have my back to the wall and no good people-watching in my eyeline or eavesdropping in my... well, earline. earcone?).
British train ticket pricing is very complicated, and in order to save money (since I'm basically self-funding this conference, I expect) I had booked on a later train, which meant that I didn't get home until nearly midnight. As Marmoset says in her comment there's nowhere interesting to eat near the station... but the Cornish Pasty stall does a vegetarian wholewheat-vegetable giant pasty which is pretty tasty for 'junk food' (and a giant cheese and potato pasty which I womanfully resisted). Sadly the place that does organic vegetable soup to take away had shut for the night... which somehow translated as a reason to treat myself to a piece of rhubarb cake from another outlet (well, it was the least fatty/junky looking sweet thing easily available, and I knew that by about 9pm I would be craving sweet as a substitute for an early night!). It was pretty decent cake., although I make better myself...
And then it was up again early today for the university teaching conference (sorry, learning and teaching). Which was... well, interesting might be the word. Lots of talk of change and innovation and equipping students for citizenship and a talk from an Australian guy who's worked in the UK for several decades, has a UK wife and, given his academic discipline, had NO EXCUSES for saying something this stupid, but insisted that it would be hard for us British People to understand the idea or value of citizenship since we're Subjects (I sat there muttering things about common law and magna carta and Mother of Parliments until he moved on to something else stupid). Oh, and the keynote speaker applied ecological population models to innovation in the light bulb industry and turned that into a message about not being afraid of risk but we couldn't fail if we were passionate enough about our Mission. That was a little light relief. But it all makes me feel old, and tired, and disengaged.
I went to some sessions on technology in the classroom which were really useless, BUT I sat next to a guy from the central IT service at coffee who happened to be able to not only answer my 'is it possible' question about something I want to do, but whipped out his ipad and emailed me a set of instructions on how to do it using some shareware and then install it on the VLE, so it was a learning win overall. I was glad to be able to leave early on a catatarian mercy mission, retrieving Furball from the cattery...
And now I am (supposedly) writing a handout for tomorrow's Science Event For Schools (which I was PROMISED I wouldn't have to take part in this year), but actually having a whinge on my blog first. Right, write handout.
Tomorrow
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
checking email: not always the best for the mood
Today's conferencing was kind of stressful, but mostly because I was stupidly anxious for not much reason, not because of anything that happened, just because. My poster looked fine (and fitted the poster board, which always worries me), the breakout group I was chairing was... well, highly remniscient of some of my undergrad seminar actually! There was the guy who only wanted to talk about his project, the one who hadn't done the reading, the one who had a Pet Theory... but it went OK, and a couple of people thanked me for keeping it in order. It was a long day though - 11 half hour talks with only a short lunch break, then break-out groups and then posters, so I was glad to come back to the hotel and not go to the conference dinner - my voice is just starting to go. There were a few people I know, though all pretty senior, and I've managed to chat to a few others - and introduce myself to a couple of people I only know through email. But I was still stupidly anxious.
Gender observation: this is a Theme E conference, so it's a different mix of people, about one third academics, one third people who do science but outside the university, and one third people who work in sort of policy, management, government, that sort of thing, who do science related stuff. There were five talks on general high-level issues - all by older men. Then after lunch there were six talks on case studies - four men, three PIs/managers and one grad student, and two women, one grad student and one new lecturer. The meeting as a whle seems to be about half and half, but even in this sort of gathering where lots of people are working outside the academy the demography of the women is distinctly different to the men - noticeably younger, noticeably more juniors and less seniors. Which seems a pity after supposedly severald ecades of increasing equality. Or do women just have more sense than to work in science??
Also, why are SCIENTISTS always being lectured about the need to communicate better with the general public? Aren't there all sorts of communication jobs etc. where people KNOW how to do that stuff? I try to do my bit, but it isn't one of my talents, and I find it very stressful... so being constantly told by non-academy speakers that SCIENTISTS are to blame for lack of public support for certain issues, well, it just gets wearing. Another thing I'm bad at.
Anyway, I got back, and I checked my email. And had a rather cross, upset one from WierdBugMan, who felt (entirely justifiably) that his contributions (which are entirely voluntary as he's retired) to Project F weren't acknowledged in the interim report for the project. He was entirely right. I messed up. But... am I entirely unreasonable to feel that PostDocF, who has actually been WORKING with WierdBugMan on this project, should have picked up on this? She did write the report, I just checked it... yes, it is entirely my fault that I didn't include him but at the same time, why are we doing the report three weeks late in a bit of a rush? I don't think it's unreasonable for me to assume that the postdoc will keep an eye on the deadlines and progress of the project, especially as we discussed the need for HER to keep an eye on these things especially during the academic year on several occasions. I can barely juggle my own work, and I want to believe I can delegate some of this stuff.
Oh yeah, and a demand for more teaching meetings about 'rewriting my statistics section to address the changes being made in the first year'. sag.
Why did I check my email??? Well, I suppose it was good I did, on the whole - at least I was able to respond rapidly to WierdBugMan with a full apology, but I messed up again, and did it in a way that was insulting to someone I really like and also rely on (and since he took early retirement have to rely on his good will, for this and for other projects. Pragmatically, he's more important to my group and my research plan in terms of research progress and value-added and all sorts of things than PostDocF (not that she isn't very important, but, you know, she's employed full time to do this work, and he's retired)). I am so upset that I upset him, that I didn't spot this and sort it out. I am a fool, and I slipped up.
And I am so tired of feeling like I have to do everything, just to be performing acceptably.
Whilst I'm whinging, I also thought booking a cheap train home which leaves several hours after the end of the conference was a good idea, instead of a pricier one earlier (I don't know if I'll get travel funding for this meeting because the meeting happened before the second lot of funding was issued... sigh). Hope the ExpensiveCoffeePlace near the station is open late!
Gender observation: this is a Theme E conference, so it's a different mix of people, about one third academics, one third people who do science but outside the university, and one third people who work in sort of policy, management, government, that sort of thing, who do science related stuff. There were five talks on general high-level issues - all by older men. Then after lunch there were six talks on case studies - four men, three PIs/managers and one grad student, and two women, one grad student and one new lecturer. The meeting as a whle seems to be about half and half, but even in this sort of gathering where lots of people are working outside the academy the demography of the women is distinctly different to the men - noticeably younger, noticeably more juniors and less seniors. Which seems a pity after supposedly severald ecades of increasing equality. Or do women just have more sense than to work in science??
Also, why are SCIENTISTS always being lectured about the need to communicate better with the general public? Aren't there all sorts of communication jobs etc. where people KNOW how to do that stuff? I try to do my bit, but it isn't one of my talents, and I find it very stressful... so being constantly told by non-academy speakers that SCIENTISTS are to blame for lack of public support for certain issues, well, it just gets wearing. Another thing I'm bad at.
Anyway, I got back, and I checked my email. And had a rather cross, upset one from WierdBugMan, who felt (entirely justifiably) that his contributions (which are entirely voluntary as he's retired) to Project F weren't acknowledged in the interim report for the project. He was entirely right. I messed up. But... am I entirely unreasonable to feel that PostDocF, who has actually been WORKING with WierdBugMan on this project, should have picked up on this? She did write the report, I just checked it... yes, it is entirely my fault that I didn't include him but at the same time, why are we doing the report three weeks late in a bit of a rush? I don't think it's unreasonable for me to assume that the postdoc will keep an eye on the deadlines and progress of the project, especially as we discussed the need for HER to keep an eye on these things especially during the academic year on several occasions. I can barely juggle my own work, and I want to believe I can delegate some of this stuff.
Oh yeah, and a demand for more teaching meetings about 'rewriting my statistics section to address the changes being made in the first year'. sag.
Why did I check my email??? Well, I suppose it was good I did, on the whole - at least I was able to respond rapidly to WierdBugMan with a full apology, but I messed up again, and did it in a way that was insulting to someone I really like and also rely on (and since he took early retirement have to rely on his good will, for this and for other projects. Pragmatically, he's more important to my group and my research plan in terms of research progress and value-added and all sorts of things than PostDocF (not that she isn't very important, but, you know, she's employed full time to do this work, and he's retired)). I am so upset that I upset him, that I didn't spot this and sort it out. I am a fool, and I slipped up.
And I am so tired of feeling like I have to do everything, just to be performing acceptably.
Whilst I'm whinging, I also thought booking a cheap train home which leaves several hours after the end of the conference was a good idea, instead of a pricier one earlier (I don't know if I'll get travel funding for this meeting because the meeting happened before the second lot of funding was issued... sigh). Hope the ExpensiveCoffeePlace near the station is open late!
Monday, January 10, 2011
thawing out
Owing to Fun With Trains, I got to spend an hour sitting on a cold metal seat at an exposed station wondering if my Mother's insistence that such conditions causes piles had any truth in it... then when the train did arrive, I got a seat close to the door and there was a sneaky draught. And CrowdedCapital is raw-cold this evening - brrr! But my randomly-picked hotel(cheapest on the list of places to stay within 1 mile of the conference venue which offered single rooms) is actually pretty nice, warm, clean, in a period building, and a genuinely 5 minute walk from the station (so often that means "five minutes if you have amazingly long legs and are an experienced race-walker with no luggage").
After a weekend of grant writing and a train trip with luggage, though, my back is grumbling. Must try to reduce to a minimum the amount of stuff I take with me to the meeting tomorrow... hmmm.... that doesn't come naturally!
After a weekend of grant writing and a train trip with luggage, though, my back is grumbling. Must try to reduce to a minimum the amount of stuff I take with me to the meeting tomorrow... hmmm.... that doesn't come naturally!
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Another long day
VisitorsWithFunkyAccents arrived today with no snow or industrial action or other kinds of issues affecting their travel plans, and managed to get their keys and pay for accomodation in the university guest house without complications either which is rare (usually I have to do at least some trudging around or phoning around trying to sort this out). Visitors have occupied a lot of my time, which is fine (lots of gossip and science-chat! Yay!), but it is now 19:30 and I am still working on a poster for the conference next week which has to go to print tomorrow to be done for Friday... and we start again with the Visitors tomorrow morning at 9, so it has to be done now.
BUT!!! I was procrastinating and reading a few sciencey science blogs and flipping around in their archives this morning, whilst thinking about the poster, and found a really relevant recent reference, which DOESN'T come up on a Web of Science search, but was exactly what I needed to link two ideas together (it's kind of a 'here are some concepts' poster rather than a 'here are some results' poster - the hard kind to write. I applied to do a talk, didn't get a slot, but need to present in order to get (a little) money towards the costs, and this is definitely The Conference To Be At this spring in my Theme E research area - there will be people with power and money there, and a poster increases my visibility, so is well worth doing). Yay for blogs!
But must now finish writing poster. Hate posters. If I'd wanted to do arty stuff, I would have studied art at school. I don't have a very 'visual' eye, I'm not good at this stuff and I resent the amount of faff it takes to make a poster look even part-way presentable, never mind good. At least I know to:
BUT!!! I was procrastinating and reading a few sciencey science blogs and flipping around in their archives this morning, whilst thinking about the poster, and found a really relevant recent reference, which DOESN'T come up on a Web of Science search, but was exactly what I needed to link two ideas together (it's kind of a 'here are some concepts' poster rather than a 'here are some results' poster - the hard kind to write. I applied to do a talk, didn't get a slot, but need to present in order to get (a little) money towards the costs, and this is definitely The Conference To Be At this spring in my Theme E research area - there will be people with power and money there, and a poster increases my visibility, so is well worth doing). Yay for blogs!
But must now finish writing poster. Hate posters. If I'd wanted to do arty stuff, I would have studied art at school. I don't have a very 'visual' eye, I'm not good at this stuff and I resent the amount of faff it takes to make a poster look even part-way presentable, never mind good. At least I know to:
- use at least 24 point in the University's Preferred Font except in the references where a smaller size might be acceptable
- have plenty of images
- don't try and write on top of a busy image, or over-print the text onto a photo with lots of colour
- don't go overboard on using colour, bold/italic etc. when making points, and stick to a simple colour palette throughout
- remember to include the uni logo and a picture of the presenter
- don't try and say too much
- use boxes, blocks of text and sub-headings to guide the reader through the poster - neither the 'newsletter look' (where it's like a large page of a paper) nor the 'collage look' (where there's no structure to the information presented) is a good thing.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Misc
Alyssa commented on my last post
Sorry if the post was exclusionary, it was intended to argue against the idea that only girly-girls need luring into science, or that only overtly girly activities appeal to girls! There are many kinds of girls and women. That is how the world is, and we should all just get on with it, and not make such a big deal out of some of these differences - especially whilst ignoring others.
Why do gendered arguments rarely address things like the claim that girls are on average a year ahead of boys developmentally through much of their schooling? Should they be in the same classrooms?
Interesting how different people view the academic blogosphere - I myself feel rather 'got at' by a lot of the shoe/fashion posts, because they seem to argue that I am letting the side down by my lack of interest in style or am succumbing to pressure from 'the establishment' - I don't much want to show off my overweight middle-aged body, my hard-working feet like flat shoes, I have substantial breasts and dislike flashing cleavage at anyone (it feels unprofessional), and generally choose, positively, to dress in a discrete, uninteresting way in clothes chosen for comfort. This is my choice, and is as legitimate and reasonable as the choice to dress in elegant, feminine clothes. Personally I feel that high heels, especially narrow ones, and open-toed shoes, are often inappropriate in parts of university buildings (though of course if the wearer keeps a pair of closed flats to change into for labwork, moving kit around, going into mucky areas or outdoors when it's icy etc., that's a great alternative). And that dressing sexy is a bit inappropriate when one is likely to be teaching adolescent and barely-post-adolescent boys, not to mention making it look like one is on the prowl at work which is just an icky look to me. There are a lot of feminine, attractive, elegant ways to dress between my look and the cougar/sex object look, and I see no reason why anyone should have to change the way they dress for anyone else.
Off to a conference tomorrow - just realised that my talk (which I just finished writing) is in the very first session. So annoying! Was planning on turning up mid-morning (it's local-ish), but now I have to get the very early train to be there in time to load my presentation :-(
And my poster was printed about 4pm. Disorganised? Moi?
Not REALLY - I've also met with a colleague to write an entire syllabus for a module we are team-teaching (this is the only day in August/September when we are both in the department!), typed up part of it, completed all the forms for a whole grant application (not a lot of money, a hell of a lot of forms), met with a student to discuss her problems with her summer project, then later to approve her rewritten fieldwork plan, written a progress report for DrVisit, done a final edit on the science case for the grant, and submitted it for approval. So today was kind of busy!
So it's now 19:30, I need to print off the directions, go home, get something to eat, pack... and get the early train. I won't be lugging my laptop, so will not be here again until Thursday evening at the earliest.
Interesting post. Through reading this one and many others on this topic, it seems people think girls fall into two camps: girly girls who don't like math/hard science, and tomboyish girls who do.
Which makes me feel like even MORE of an outcast because I was (and still consider myself) a fairly girly girl - and I was/am in hard sciences. I enjoyed the "stupid pink" ponies, I liked pink (and still do), I like wearing skirts and dresses, etc...and my education is in physics/astronomy.
I find it tough - especially in the science blogosphere - to fit in because of this. For some reason, many people think that to be respected as a women they must act/dress/have the same interests as men, and that clearly shouldn't be the case.
Sorry if the post was exclusionary, it was intended to argue against the idea that only girly-girls need luring into science, or that only overtly girly activities appeal to girls! There are many kinds of girls and women. That is how the world is, and we should all just get on with it, and not make such a big deal out of some of these differences - especially whilst ignoring others.
Why do gendered arguments rarely address things like the claim that girls are on average a year ahead of boys developmentally through much of their schooling? Should they be in the same classrooms?
Interesting how different people view the academic blogosphere - I myself feel rather 'got at' by a lot of the shoe/fashion posts, because they seem to argue that I am letting the side down by my lack of interest in style or am succumbing to pressure from 'the establishment' - I don't much want to show off my overweight middle-aged body, my hard-working feet like flat shoes, I have substantial breasts and dislike flashing cleavage at anyone (it feels unprofessional), and generally choose, positively, to dress in a discrete, uninteresting way in clothes chosen for comfort. This is my choice, and is as legitimate and reasonable as the choice to dress in elegant, feminine clothes. Personally I feel that high heels, especially narrow ones, and open-toed shoes, are often inappropriate in parts of university buildings (though of course if the wearer keeps a pair of closed flats to change into for labwork, moving kit around, going into mucky areas or outdoors when it's icy etc., that's a great alternative). And that dressing sexy is a bit inappropriate when one is likely to be teaching adolescent and barely-post-adolescent boys, not to mention making it look like one is on the prowl at work which is just an icky look to me. There are a lot of feminine, attractive, elegant ways to dress between my look and the cougar/sex object look, and I see no reason why anyone should have to change the way they dress for anyone else.
Off to a conference tomorrow - just realised that my talk (which I just finished writing) is in the very first session. So annoying! Was planning on turning up mid-morning (it's local-ish), but now I have to get the very early train to be there in time to load my presentation :-(
And my poster was printed about 4pm. Disorganised? Moi?
Not REALLY - I've also met with a colleague to write an entire syllabus for a module we are team-teaching (this is the only day in August/September when we are both in the department!), typed up part of it, completed all the forms for a whole grant application (not a lot of money, a hell of a lot of forms), met with a student to discuss her problems with her summer project, then later to approve her rewritten fieldwork plan, written a progress report for DrVisit, done a final edit on the science case for the grant, and submitted it for approval. So today was kind of busy!
So it's now 19:30, I need to print off the directions, go home, get something to eat, pack... and get the early train. I won't be lugging my laptop, so will not be here again until Thursday evening at the earliest.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
still here...
...and not en route to a conference. Not feeling terribly guilty either. Woke up with a substantial headache (sinus rather than migraine-ous, I think - so far anyway) after a fitful night's sleep, and the insect bite isn't retreating yet and itching like a very very itchy thing, and I thought "sod it. For once I need to take the advice I dish out to other people" ::waves at chall::. Texted SeniorStudent - got brusk reply, I expect she is annoyed (well I would have been were I the post-doc dealing with the flakey PI! And I am rather irritating). But... no buts.
I will email the conference organisers later on today - they're nice people and will understand, in fact how nice and concerned they will be will probably be the greatest trigger of actual 'I did something wrong' guilt I'll encounter (rather than generic I-am-weak-and-giving-in, get-up-and-wash-your-face-you'll-feel-better* guilt, which I am getting quite good at ignoring over the last few years. Because if I do get up, force myself, sometimes it works out, sometimes I end up on sick leave for weeks and weeks - laryngitis, pharyngitis or 'just' a full-blown, can't cope depressive episode. And so far I'm not brilliant at knowing which it will be).
I do know that:
I will email the conference organisers later on today - they're nice people and will understand, in fact how nice and concerned they will be will probably be the greatest trigger of actual 'I did something wrong' guilt I'll encounter (rather than generic I-am-weak-and-giving-in, get-up-and-wash-your-face-you'll-feel-better* guilt, which I am getting quite good at ignoring over the last few years. Because if I do get up, force myself, sometimes it works out, sometimes I end up on sick leave for weeks and weeks - laryngitis, pharyngitis or 'just' a full-blown, can't cope depressive episode. And so far I'm not brilliant at knowing which it will be).
I do know that:
- I'd rather miss this event (pace lovely organisers) than conference 2
- missing conference 2 will be more problematic for the organisers (as I am doing more - speaking, running a workshop AND giving a poster - there and do not have a post-doc/visitor travelling companion who can cover my contribution),
- the other two travellings in this sequence (social weekend and writing retreat) are far more likely to have a positive effect on the 'energised/drained' balance than conference 1 (conference 2 will be draining, of course, but it's much bigger and multi-session therefore it's MUCH easier to retreat to a coffeeshop or skip talks to take a walk for an hour or two to recharge - everyone else is also milling around swapping sessions all the time - and it's followed by one day at work then holiday, so it matters less where the balance ends up, since it will be immediately followed by a nice long recharge...)
- conference 2 is a drive away whereas conference 1 is a most-of-a-day train-plane-plane-train-taxi away (and have I ever mentioned that although I quite enjoy flying, I'm rather scared of airports? And of course no need to mention the rather cramped seats, which embarrass and discomfort anyone with a substantial rear or awkward dimensions or aching joints, but which are so characteristic of short haul economy flights, and after the lovely locum may well reduce me to gibbering on their own...).
And now I am going to eat a yoghurt to try and counteract the digestive consequences of the anti-bug-bite antibiotic, and take my headache back to bed for an hour.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Another day
Thank you commentators for your kindness and support. Clearly if I need a GP lynch mob it will be easy to rustle one up, and I do appreciate that!
*****
Hi Uitlander ::waves:: see you found it then. Oh darn :-) Welcome! Please to remember to wipe the feet, not leave half-drunk cups of coffee under the furniture, and that this is my bloggy space and I use it to vent a lot, so whinging here often means that the thing is then over with. Flash-pan temper, often flash-pan griping too. I'm not public with my mood disorder with our mutual friends and acquaintances, and would prefer to keep this blog as a separate space, but I guess you understand that.
*****
So, today. I got up. That took a while... I went to work. I thought things were kind of OK. Then someone knocked at my door and it took a LOT of self-control to neither hide nor get snappy with them. I started to straighten out my thoughts for the meeting with Head of Department, noting the few specific points and examples I wanted to give, and was surprised to find myself crying again.
Decided that it was silly to assume today would be back to normal - that it's pretty clear that I've slipped off the narrow wall of balance, which happens sometimes, and that there is nothing wrong with lying in the grass catching your breath and gazing at the clouds before getting back on. So I emailed Head of Department, asking to reschedule our appointment - I was minimally honest, explaining that I'd had a hard week and was not sure I could discuss the issue I needed to raise calmly. I then outlined the issue, asked for specific advice, edited the email for tone twice, pressed the send button and went home.
Of course, this is me, so I fretted as soon as I pressed send about whether it had been a good idea. But not hugely - I need to get HoD's support before he leaves us, to ensure that there is some sort of hand-over to the next person, and I knew I'd edited the email well. I trust HoD not to inappropriately print or share emails... and, well, I'm pretty sure he's on 'my side' in so far as there is any side in this sort of matter (because Very Irritating Person has had, let's say not entirely polite, encounters with HoD before, one of which was audible throughout a whole corridor of offices). I got home, and after about half an hour of refreshing my home email, I got a brief reply which pretty much said what I needed to hear - that he understood, that he needed to think about how best to advise me but that he would before he moved on, that I should believe that I was valued by the university and by the colleagues I don't know well who are probably taking over the various senior jobs in the short term once he leaves. That he would arrange for me to meet with the Dean or HR if that seemed necessary (and if I wanted accompany me to the meeting). I may not always like my HoD, or agree with him, but he is a decent and trustworthy person and now we're used to each other I thoroughly respect him, and appreciate his support. Naturally, he is the colleague who is leaving next month, not any of the flakier, more annoying ones!
The posters are ready for the conference, and SeniorStudent has picked them up and will pack them. I have a feeling that I might have a travel-preventing migraine-type headache tomorrow. Actually, I might have one in physical reality too, all the precursor symptoms are hanging around, and I typically get one or two in late summer/early autumn when the weather changes, following a period of emotional and physical stress. Because they are rare (1-2 a year, at most, I think), and because they are fairly short-lived (they wipe me out for maybe 12-24 hours), I've never bothered to talk to a Dr about them. I don't know if they are actually a mild sort of classic migraine or just a 'bilious headache', or even a reaction to some combination of stress and inappropriate food. I don't usually take pain-killers for everyday headaches or joint/muscle aches - I prefer to assume the pain is there for a reason, telling me I did something to screw up my body, and usually things like drinking plenty of water, stretching, taking a walk in the fresh air, a good night's sleep, resolve the issue anyway. It may be a bit wimpy of me, but I've never been a fan of a martyred forcing of the self to continue working and pretend not to be in pain! But this means I do give in to these headaches, and don't have preventative medication in store - in the first few hours I can't keep anything down anyway, and cold water, a darkened room, a bit of painful poking of key pressure points in the neck area, and a few hours dozing have always sufficed. It's only affected work directly twice - once I had to leave a fresher's week event early because I misjudged when I would reach the light-sensitive, throwing-up stage, and once I spent a day of a conference in bed under a wet flannel instead of giving my talk. I guess a third time would still not be a bad record. I was sharing a room with SeniorStudent at the conference that time, so she understands how debilitating they are when they come.
*****
Hi Uitlander ::waves:: see you found it then. Oh darn :-) Welcome! Please to remember to wipe the feet, not leave half-drunk cups of coffee under the furniture, and that this is my bloggy space and I use it to vent a lot, so whinging here often means that the thing is then over with. Flash-pan temper, often flash-pan griping too. I'm not public with my mood disorder with our mutual friends and acquaintances, and would prefer to keep this blog as a separate space, but I guess you understand that.
*****
So, today. I got up. That took a while... I went to work. I thought things were kind of OK. Then someone knocked at my door and it took a LOT of self-control to neither hide nor get snappy with them. I started to straighten out my thoughts for the meeting with Head of Department, noting the few specific points and examples I wanted to give, and was surprised to find myself crying again.
Decided that it was silly to assume today would be back to normal - that it's pretty clear that I've slipped off the narrow wall of balance, which happens sometimes, and that there is nothing wrong with lying in the grass catching your breath and gazing at the clouds before getting back on. So I emailed Head of Department, asking to reschedule our appointment - I was minimally honest, explaining that I'd had a hard week and was not sure I could discuss the issue I needed to raise calmly. I then outlined the issue, asked for specific advice, edited the email for tone twice, pressed the send button and went home.
Of course, this is me, so I fretted as soon as I pressed send about whether it had been a good idea. But not hugely - I need to get HoD's support before he leaves us, to ensure that there is some sort of hand-over to the next person, and I knew I'd edited the email well. I trust HoD not to inappropriately print or share emails... and, well, I'm pretty sure he's on 'my side' in so far as there is any side in this sort of matter (because Very Irritating Person has had, let's say not entirely polite, encounters with HoD before, one of which was audible throughout a whole corridor of offices). I got home, and after about half an hour of refreshing my home email, I got a brief reply which pretty much said what I needed to hear - that he understood, that he needed to think about how best to advise me but that he would before he moved on, that I should believe that I was valued by the university and by the colleagues I don't know well who are probably taking over the various senior jobs in the short term once he leaves. That he would arrange for me to meet with the Dean or HR if that seemed necessary (and if I wanted accompany me to the meeting). I may not always like my HoD, or agree with him, but he is a decent and trustworthy person and now we're used to each other I thoroughly respect him, and appreciate his support. Naturally, he is the colleague who is leaving next month, not any of the flakier, more annoying ones!
The posters are ready for the conference, and SeniorStudent has picked them up and will pack them. I have a feeling that I might have a travel-preventing migraine-type headache tomorrow. Actually, I might have one in physical reality too, all the precursor symptoms are hanging around, and I typically get one or two in late summer/early autumn when the weather changes, following a period of emotional and physical stress. Because they are rare (1-2 a year, at most, I think), and because they are fairly short-lived (they wipe me out for maybe 12-24 hours), I've never bothered to talk to a Dr about them. I don't know if they are actually a mild sort of classic migraine or just a 'bilious headache', or even a reaction to some combination of stress and inappropriate food. I don't usually take pain-killers for everyday headaches or joint/muscle aches - I prefer to assume the pain is there for a reason, telling me I did something to screw up my body, and usually things like drinking plenty of water, stretching, taking a walk in the fresh air, a good night's sleep, resolve the issue anyway. It may be a bit wimpy of me, but I've never been a fan of a martyred forcing of the self to continue working and pretend not to be in pain! But this means I do give in to these headaches, and don't have preventative medication in store - in the first few hours I can't keep anything down anyway, and cold water, a darkened room, a bit of painful poking of key pressure points in the neck area, and a few hours dozing have always sufficed. It's only affected work directly twice - once I had to leave a fresher's week event early because I misjudged when I would reach the light-sensitive, throwing-up stage, and once I spent a day of a conference in bed under a wet flannel instead of giving my talk. I guess a third time would still not be a bad record. I was sharing a room with SeniorStudent at the conference that time, so she understands how debilitating they are when they come.
I'll see how I feel tomorrow to make a final decision, but I'm not going to actually pack tonight - the clothes I need are all clean and folded in a pile, so it won't take long.
A long weekend to relax, and a couple of days packing up my office for the move, working on the two presentations for conference 2, and on the grant that matters so much to DrVisit, sounds a lot more necessary than travel and a conference right now.
.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
It's Not Always Helpful To See A Doctor
Thank you for your kindness, commentators. It really matters to me.
Officially I get a 'proper break' for two lovely weeks of stay-at-home holiday after conference 2 - the last 2 full weeks of September (which means a bit of a slam of a start back, but, you know, hopefully starting from a tidy home and a calm, relaxed mind which has had some FUN will make that achievable). I'm not sure I will make it to then, though...
Let me whine on about my Dr's visit. I saw a locum, who I've seen before, she's young and pretty and has a really kind voice.
I show her my arm. Oh, she says, that's not bad. Just stick some antiseptic on it. I explain that I began with 'sting relief' cream, moved on to the strongest antiseptic stuff you can get over the counter, and taking anti-histamines, and this pen mark was a couple of hours ago. She Looks at me. I explain further that I have to travel to a conference on Saturday, and have had several similar bites get worse very rapidly (OK, I admit, this one is fairly peripheral on the body, and the blister/tight red skin/hard white advancing rim area is only about the size of a credit card. It's not serious), and look, this pen-mark was made at 1pm and now the advancing edge is 1cm further up my arm... She says, oh well, if it'll make you feel better have some antibiotics. Isn't that a really, really old-fashioned attitude to antibiotics, by the way??
She starts to type into my records. SAys 'how's your mood?'. I say 'fine' and the tears start pouring down my face. For the whole rest of this appointment, I am crying, though not actually sobbing. So I say 'quite low actually'. She says why, I say briefly problems at work. I say, that's why I'm maybe being a bit silly about an insect bite, why I'm worried about travelling with it, it's the last straw. Then I say 'I had to travel for three weeks in July with a colleague who is a bully and I can't get over it' all in a hurry. She says, oh well, some things you don't leave in the playground. Then she says - you need to get a rowing machine. Then you will lose weight.
Then she says, go and buy yourself a pretty top, in a nice colour (looking rather judgementally at my outfit, dark brown linen trousers and a washed out peridot-green coloured cotton shirt under a casual cotton cardigan a couple of shades darker green. For me, it's a bold and colourful choice on a day when I want to be invisible and buried and hiding. especially as I'm also wearing my cute red sandals, not my workaday donkey brown ones). That will cheer you up. And your holiday trip will be nice! I say it's not a holiday, it's work, and it involves having to be professional the whole day. She says, oh well, in some countries you can show your true mood [among colleagues at a conference? not sure that ever holds true, especially not for the girlie/negative combination of labels attached to anxiety and depression. Certainly it doesn't in PoliteNorthernCountryWhereTheyDrinkALotOfCoffee, where I am going, or in the context I'm going to]. You should get a rowing machine, losing weight will make your mood better.
Her voice is kind. I try to ask for help. I say 'The only times I've successfully lost weight in recent years have been when I've been having counselling. I think I have some sort of eating disorder'. She says, don't make excuses. You have a pretty face, sort out your body and you will feel better. She hands me the prescription.
I thank her and go into the practice toilet and turn on the taps and howl, sobbing so hard I can't stand up. I think, I can't do this. I can't go on. Then I wash my face.
Wearing dark glasses, I manage to fill my prescription without anyone being nice to me - couldn't cope with that. Thankfully it's the gruff male pharmacist who is very matter of fact (and who usually dispenses my depression meds, knowing me by name) not the kind middle-aged female one who likes to chat. I stay in town for a while, buying some chocolate and a book and some random hair ornaments and, yes, a new top (but it's sludge coloured and in the sale), trying to distract myself and act 'normal' (after all, being in town when the shops are still open in the week is a rare occasion).
And I come home and I eat too much and I cry and cry until I feel sick and my head is pounding, and I sleep a bit and half wake from horrible dreams, and now I'm blogging. And crying, still. I feel so helpless, and at the same time so ashamed of my weakness and failure. Being fat is All My Fault. And now apparently it causes my mood disorder rather than being a symptom of that or anything else. My arm hurts - stupid bite aches in the middle and itches at the edges - and is the Last Straw that has opened the floodgates.
I am seriously considering not going to the conference. Which will involve lying, since whilst I can be straight with the organiser (one of the four people there who I actually want to see, and she has SAD so she understands a bit), I can't bear the thought of trying to explain to SeniorStudent (especially given all the other stuff going on which I was not going to talk about, and will not, except to say, I feel like my 'in charge' status is weak anyway, so admitting to further chronic weakness would not be a good move, especially not under pressure like this - and her occasional comments about how academics get stressed because they let themselves get stressed) or DrVisit (with the language barrier too, oh lord). I really have to go work tomorrow as I have an appointment at last with HeadOfDepartmentWhoLeavesSoon to get some advice about what happened on the field trip. Although... he hates female emotion. And I doubt I can get through that without at least a bit of a quaver in the voice and shiny eyes... so maybe I should call in sick. I HATE to lie, to dissemble. But... also, even if I am honest, I know a lot of well-meaning people will say things like "oh it'll be good for you, a change is good, it's a nice place, it's good to be around people, they're all nice people". I am an intravert, a real one, and being with people and in new places drains energy from me even when I am well. But I am also tall and fat and 'jolly' and talkative, so I am clearly lying about the intraversion, or being pretentious, or basically skiving and 'giving in'. I wish I looked as fragile as I feel.
Not going to the conference seems like a cop-out. But, on the other hand, I have a chain of other things to do in the next nearly-month before I get to my hols, and then I have to go straight into a very heavy teaching semester (I begged 'them' to give me a balanced split, but no.... in US terms, I have something like a 4.5-2 for this coming academic year). Teaching, being well enough to teach, has to be my priority, right? Attending or not attending a single small conference is neither here nor there in the 'list of achievements' or the 'needs of the department' (our KPI is 2 conferences a year, I have those ticked off already for 2010, conference 2 to come and another meeting in October if I'm well enough). I should have taken a week at least off after the trip, after I realised how badly it had affected me, but I soldiered on like a good girl. The 'finish line' of the break in September should be in sight now, but I don't think I can make it without a pause.
So, if I didn't go, what would the consequences be.
Officially I get a 'proper break' for two lovely weeks of stay-at-home holiday after conference 2 - the last 2 full weeks of September (which means a bit of a slam of a start back, but, you know, hopefully starting from a tidy home and a calm, relaxed mind which has had some FUN will make that achievable). I'm not sure I will make it to then, though...
Let me whine on about my Dr's visit. I saw a locum, who I've seen before, she's young and pretty and has a really kind voice.
I show her my arm. Oh, she says, that's not bad. Just stick some antiseptic on it. I explain that I began with 'sting relief' cream, moved on to the strongest antiseptic stuff you can get over the counter, and taking anti-histamines, and this pen mark was a couple of hours ago. She Looks at me. I explain further that I have to travel to a conference on Saturday, and have had several similar bites get worse very rapidly (OK, I admit, this one is fairly peripheral on the body, and the blister/tight red skin/hard white advancing rim area is only about the size of a credit card. It's not serious), and look, this pen-mark was made at 1pm and now the advancing edge is 1cm further up my arm... She says, oh well, if it'll make you feel better have some antibiotics. Isn't that a really, really old-fashioned attitude to antibiotics, by the way??
She starts to type into my records. SAys 'how's your mood?'. I say 'fine' and the tears start pouring down my face. For the whole rest of this appointment, I am crying, though not actually sobbing. So I say 'quite low actually'. She says why, I say briefly problems at work. I say, that's why I'm maybe being a bit silly about an insect bite, why I'm worried about travelling with it, it's the last straw. Then I say 'I had to travel for three weeks in July with a colleague who is a bully and I can't get over it' all in a hurry. She says, oh well, some things you don't leave in the playground. Then she says - you need to get a rowing machine. Then you will lose weight.
Then she says, go and buy yourself a pretty top, in a nice colour (looking rather judgementally at my outfit, dark brown linen trousers and a washed out peridot-green coloured cotton shirt under a casual cotton cardigan a couple of shades darker green. For me, it's a bold and colourful choice on a day when I want to be invisible and buried and hiding. especially as I'm also wearing my cute red sandals, not my workaday donkey brown ones). That will cheer you up. And your holiday trip will be nice! I say it's not a holiday, it's work, and it involves having to be professional the whole day. She says, oh well, in some countries you can show your true mood [among colleagues at a conference? not sure that ever holds true, especially not for the girlie/negative combination of labels attached to anxiety and depression. Certainly it doesn't in PoliteNorthernCountryWhereTheyDrinkALotOfCoffee, where I am going, or in the context I'm going to]. You should get a rowing machine, losing weight will make your mood better.
Her voice is kind. I try to ask for help. I say 'The only times I've successfully lost weight in recent years have been when I've been having counselling. I think I have some sort of eating disorder'. She says, don't make excuses. You have a pretty face, sort out your body and you will feel better. She hands me the prescription.
I thank her and go into the practice toilet and turn on the taps and howl, sobbing so hard I can't stand up. I think, I can't do this. I can't go on. Then I wash my face.
Wearing dark glasses, I manage to fill my prescription without anyone being nice to me - couldn't cope with that. Thankfully it's the gruff male pharmacist who is very matter of fact (and who usually dispenses my depression meds, knowing me by name) not the kind middle-aged female one who likes to chat. I stay in town for a while, buying some chocolate and a book and some random hair ornaments and, yes, a new top (but it's sludge coloured and in the sale), trying to distract myself and act 'normal' (after all, being in town when the shops are still open in the week is a rare occasion).
And I come home and I eat too much and I cry and cry until I feel sick and my head is pounding, and I sleep a bit and half wake from horrible dreams, and now I'm blogging. And crying, still. I feel so helpless, and at the same time so ashamed of my weakness and failure. Being fat is All My Fault. And now apparently it causes my mood disorder rather than being a symptom of that or anything else. My arm hurts - stupid bite aches in the middle and itches at the edges - and is the Last Straw that has opened the floodgates.
I am seriously considering not going to the conference. Which will involve lying, since whilst I can be straight with the organiser (one of the four people there who I actually want to see, and she has SAD so she understands a bit), I can't bear the thought of trying to explain to SeniorStudent (especially given all the other stuff going on which I was not going to talk about, and will not, except to say, I feel like my 'in charge' status is weak anyway, so admitting to further chronic weakness would not be a good move, especially not under pressure like this - and her occasional comments about how academics get stressed because they let themselves get stressed) or DrVisit (with the language barrier too, oh lord). I really have to go work tomorrow as I have an appointment at last with HeadOfDepartmentWhoLeavesSoon to get some advice about what happened on the field trip. Although... he hates female emotion. And I doubt I can get through that without at least a bit of a quaver in the voice and shiny eyes... so maybe I should call in sick. I HATE to lie, to dissemble. But... also, even if I am honest, I know a lot of well-meaning people will say things like "oh it'll be good for you, a change is good, it's a nice place, it's good to be around people, they're all nice people". I am an intravert, a real one, and being with people and in new places drains energy from me even when I am well. But I am also tall and fat and 'jolly' and talkative, so I am clearly lying about the intraversion, or being pretentious, or basically skiving and 'giving in'. I wish I looked as fragile as I feel.
Not going to the conference seems like a cop-out. But, on the other hand, I have a chain of other things to do in the next nearly-month before I get to my hols, and then I have to go straight into a very heavy teaching semester (I begged 'them' to give me a balanced split, but no.... in US terms, I have something like a 4.5-2 for this coming academic year). Teaching, being well enough to teach, has to be my priority, right? Attending or not attending a single small conference is neither here nor there in the 'list of achievements' or the 'needs of the department' (our KPI is 2 conferences a year, I have those ticked off already for 2010, conference 2 to come and another meeting in October if I'm well enough). I should have taken a week at least off after the trip, after I realised how badly it had affected me, but I soldiered on like a good girl. The 'finish line' of the break in September should be in sight now, but I don't think I can make it without a pause.
So, if I didn't go, what would the consequences be.
- Well, I might have to pay for the booked travel out of my own pocket, but that's only money. I'd also have sent Furball to cat camp for no reason, but, well, again, I'd have to pay anyway.
- I'm not giving a talk, just a poster with SeniorStudent (who wants me to present it, because it has ::gasp:: statistics on it, but it's her project, so no worries there really).
- I'd miss a couple of neat talks and people (but of the four people I want to see, one is coming to the social weekend at the end of the month anyway, one will be too busy organising to have any time to spend with me, one will be pretty busy dashing home to her three little kids every evening and co-organising (and as she's the post-doc who did all the legwork of bookings etc., she won't have time to socialise) and the fourth, well, I can always give her a call or something, right?)
- some networking for ProjectF needs doing (but again, SeniorStudent is going, so that can still be done).
- and I would avoid getting into some awkward situations.
- but... it would involve lying, and being weak and pathetic, and pretty much everyone who I might tell would condemn it as a bad, precedent setting thing to do.
- I wish I had a physical illness instead of a mental one. It feels very wrong to wish I had ME, or MS or CFS or RA or lupus or any of the other awful, chronic, life-wrecking diseases out there. But I do.
.
::pout::
To add to my many woes, mostly no doubt imaginary, I have a real ouch - an insect bite from Tuesday which has gone wierd - the whole 'blisters, a spreading reaction zone (attractively decked with pen-marks where I was trying to mark the edge and convince myself it WASN'T growing) with a raised edge creeping up my arm, red and hurty and swollen' thing, despite various ointments and taking an antihistamine (which made me feel crap anyway). This is rather last-straw-ish, as it's on the outside edge of my right wrist so makes mouse using awkward... and it aches AND itches, not a great combi.
I managed to get a Dr's appointment this afternoon (which is excellent) as I might have some sort of cellulitis thing (I get this kind of reaction to some insect bites occasionally, and when I do I usually end up having to take antibiotics). Now, big goal is not to cry at the Dr just because this very minor ouchie is the Last Straw.
Have spent the morning so far fixing a poster with SeniorStudent and discussing a grant application that is not very important to me, but seems to be A Big Thing for DrVisit (different uni systems view things in different ways), and has a deadline shortly after conference 2 so we need to work on it NOW. So it is important to me in that sense. Can't cope with the pressure today - I just want to go home. Am really regretting booking for conference 1 - I have been in 2-3 minds about going ever since we cancelled the summer fieldwork (it would have followed on easily from the overseas fieldwork, as part of the same trip), and only made a firm booking at the start of August. I hadn't made enough allowance for how long it would take me to get over the stresses associated with the field trip to FavouriteIslands, or for the possibility of an August mood-disorder-slump - I'm admitting to myself that I'm not just a bit off, but am living in a depression-hole - a shallowish one, but a real one. Yesterday afternoon I sat in my office for over an hour, really wanting a cup of tea, but really not wanting to leave my office in case I had to talk to someone. It seemed perfectly sane at the time. I'm not sleeping great, I'm not waking up well, I'm struggling to motivate myself, it's taking mental nagging to do simple stuff like shower, it's taking about 2 hours to get myself out of the house and going to work even if I have an appointment, and nothing is interesting or appealing except the prospect of not-being, of sleep or escape or hiding. Yeah, depressed. Again. I'd be annoyed and frustrated if I could muster the energy.
Now, I know travel can be good for me and all that. But oh, lord, being around people all my waking hours, shifting to a different time zone, going to a meeting which I know (it's part of a series linked to a research network, and the last one I attended was rather Curate's Egg-ish and made me feel pretty down and lonely) will be frustrating and irritating in parts, and at which some people will upset me just by being themselves, and where I will have to be 'in public' constantly and keep the mask on... it scares me. The thought of failing, of having a bit of a melt down, really scares me. It feels all too possible. And couple that with a SuspiciouslyReactingBite - and therefore an increased possiblity of needing to find medical assistance abroad (yeah, it's probably nothing. But a) I react oddly to antihistamines, and antibiotics sometimes make me rather ill unexpectedly b) I have had weeks of sick leave for neglected insect bites in the past (there was an episode when I had to cancel a much-wanted trip to a charming northern country because I literally couldn't get a shoe on over my swollen foot, thanks to a bite from an insect in my own back yard...) c) this is just the kind of thing that triggers my anxiety disorder, upsets my stomach etc. - all things that really do not go well with being in unfamiliar places with an unfamiliar language (I can sort out prices and catch a bus and order a meal, but that's it) - having to be on a group's schedule, sharing a room etc. etc., sleeping badly and feeling on the edge of disaster even with all my props and stays around me... I'm scared.
So I really, really don't want to cry at the GP... partly because if I let the public mask crack once, it could take days to get it back together, and I don't HAVE days. We fly out Saturday. And then it's non-stop people for a couple of weeks, with various events strung together.
I just wish that I really did get to have the whole summer as vacation... or sit in my Ivory Tower in blissful solitude, away from the mundane, thinking Great Thoughts. Maybe if I'd done that all summer, instead of dealing with people and issues and Very Difficult People who Make Me Feel Awful (and yes, I know how I feel is my problem. One day I will actually get better at doing something with that information rather than using it to beat myself up when something like this sequence of events occurs and to make myself doubt the wisdom of reporting certain of Very Difficult Person's actions even though I felt bullied - because my feelings are my fault, right?), I would actually be looking forward to this conference...
I managed to get a Dr's appointment this afternoon (which is excellent) as I might have some sort of cellulitis thing (I get this kind of reaction to some insect bites occasionally, and when I do I usually end up having to take antibiotics). Now, big goal is not to cry at the Dr just because this very minor ouchie is the Last Straw.
Have spent the morning so far fixing a poster with SeniorStudent and discussing a grant application that is not very important to me, but seems to be A Big Thing for DrVisit (different uni systems view things in different ways), and has a deadline shortly after conference 2 so we need to work on it NOW. So it is important to me in that sense. Can't cope with the pressure today - I just want to go home. Am really regretting booking for conference 1 - I have been in 2-3 minds about going ever since we cancelled the summer fieldwork (it would have followed on easily from the overseas fieldwork, as part of the same trip), and only made a firm booking at the start of August. I hadn't made enough allowance for how long it would take me to get over the stresses associated with the field trip to FavouriteIslands, or for the possibility of an August mood-disorder-slump - I'm admitting to myself that I'm not just a bit off, but am living in a depression-hole - a shallowish one, but a real one. Yesterday afternoon I sat in my office for over an hour, really wanting a cup of tea, but really not wanting to leave my office in case I had to talk to someone. It seemed perfectly sane at the time. I'm not sleeping great, I'm not waking up well, I'm struggling to motivate myself, it's taking mental nagging to do simple stuff like shower, it's taking about 2 hours to get myself out of the house and going to work even if I have an appointment, and nothing is interesting or appealing except the prospect of not-being, of sleep or escape or hiding. Yeah, depressed. Again. I'd be annoyed and frustrated if I could muster the energy.
Now, I know travel can be good for me and all that. But oh, lord, being around people all my waking hours, shifting to a different time zone, going to a meeting which I know (it's part of a series linked to a research network, and the last one I attended was rather Curate's Egg-ish and made me feel pretty down and lonely) will be frustrating and irritating in parts, and at which some people will upset me just by being themselves, and where I will have to be 'in public' constantly and keep the mask on... it scares me. The thought of failing, of having a bit of a melt down, really scares me. It feels all too possible. And couple that with a SuspiciouslyReactingBite - and therefore an increased possiblity of needing to find medical assistance abroad (yeah, it's probably nothing. But a) I react oddly to antihistamines, and antibiotics sometimes make me rather ill unexpectedly b) I have had weeks of sick leave for neglected insect bites in the past (there was an episode when I had to cancel a much-wanted trip to a charming northern country because I literally couldn't get a shoe on over my swollen foot, thanks to a bite from an insect in my own back yard...) c) this is just the kind of thing that triggers my anxiety disorder, upsets my stomach etc. - all things that really do not go well with being in unfamiliar places with an unfamiliar language (I can sort out prices and catch a bus and order a meal, but that's it) - having to be on a group's schedule, sharing a room etc. etc., sleeping badly and feeling on the edge of disaster even with all my props and stays around me... I'm scared.
So I really, really don't want to cry at the GP... partly because if I let the public mask crack once, it could take days to get it back together, and I don't HAVE days. We fly out Saturday. And then it's non-stop people for a couple of weeks, with various events strung together.
I just wish that I really did get to have the whole summer as vacation... or sit in my Ivory Tower in blissful solitude, away from the mundane, thinking Great Thoughts. Maybe if I'd done that all summer, instead of dealing with people and issues and Very Difficult People who Make Me Feel Awful (and yes, I know how I feel is my problem. One day I will actually get better at doing something with that information rather than using it to beat myself up when something like this sequence of events occurs and to make myself doubt the wisdom of reporting certain of Very Difficult Person's actions even though I felt bullied - because my feelings are my fault, right?), I would actually be looking forward to this conference...
Saturday, May 29, 2010
having a great workshop experience makes normality even less fun than normal
Chall commented that good group dynamics often happen at smaller workshops, and perhaps at ones a little outside the power-hungry mainstream - both true, and both true of this workshop. The workshop I attended in January, where my talk was MAULED, was also small - but was mainly male, included a few Semi-Deity type figures and (it could be argued, anyway) was on a 'sexier', more-likely-to-get-megabucks-of-funding-this-decade topic than the current one. Disentangling the effects of size, gender mix, status mix, grant winning potential clearly requires more data points!
Marmoset, I agree, I'm very lucky to have found this nice community. It makes coming back to 'real life' depressing - DrN in particular, but my other female colleagues can also be a challenge, as well as the men. One went out of her way to drop in the greatness of her research AND how thin she is (mind you, I would be a lot thinner if I'd ever taken up smoking, because I understand smoking to have similar short-term reward/calming effects as food does on me, and this colleague both smokes a pack a day and drinks rather a lot, so I keep reassuring myself we're probably equally unhealthy... just in different ways) into a quick 'how was the workshop' conversation, probably because I said the workshop was great. Back to normal!
Marmoset, I agree, I'm very lucky to have found this nice community. It makes coming back to 'real life' depressing - DrN in particular, but my other female colleagues can also be a challenge, as well as the men. One went out of her way to drop in the greatness of her research AND how thin she is (mind you, I would be a lot thinner if I'd ever taken up smoking, because I understand smoking to have similar short-term reward/calming effects as food does on me, and this colleague both smokes a pack a day and drinks rather a lot, so I keep reassuring myself we're probably equally unhealthy... just in different ways) into a quick 'how was the workshop' conversation, probably because I said the workshop was great. Back to normal!
Friday, May 28, 2010
women at conferences
A couple of commentators asked about the unusual gender balance at the workshop, and the effect(s) that it had, so I'll say a little more about it in this post. I've previously been involved with a European network which was on paper about 40% female but in practice meetings were usually about 60% female, so I'm not JUST drawing on experiences from this workshop here. It's worth noting that typically when sorted by 'power' e.g. by career stage from grad student to full-professor-with-generous-funding the proportion of females drops off steadily. A quick check of the gender of supervisor/group leader tends to redress the balance too - many of the women attending are PhDs/post-docs who have a male PI - this is common in my field where women are making more inroads than in some STEM subjects, but the vast majority of tenured-equivalent scientists are men...
In my experience, there's a critical mass point at which women stop feeling the need to act so 'I'm as tough as the men in fact better - growl'. Some of them do it a bit still, it's habit or it's part of their basic character, but there's a palpable sense of relaxing around some of them once there are enough women that the "quality of the interactions" changes. How does it? It's hard to put into words. Here are some examples, though. When there are questions after a presentation, if someone asks one of those "questions" which actually consist of saying "I'm great, I know a lot, now prove you do" it stands out, it's unusual, it's a jolt rather than part of a constantly-repeated ritual. Comments are much more likely to start with compliments or positive reinforcement even if their content is quite critical - "I think you're entirely right when you say that there might be a problem when using this reagent X. In my lab we've found it leads to false positives about 40% of the time so now we use..." (where at a more typical conference this might be phrased "we never use X because it causes Y. Doesn't that suggest your conclusion is wrong?"). People talk together, overlapping and finishing each other's sentences and building mutual understanding, rather than taking it in turns to hold the floor and make statements. There's more openness and willingness to say 'I didn't quite get that', and also openness to someone other than the speaker chipping in to help explain the confusing point. It feels like more of a temporary community rather than a sports event. There is laughter before the beer gets opened.
None of this is to say that men don't do these things. The men at the meeting, like the network meetings, take a very full part in the conversations and activities, and are often at the centre of things. The point I'm trying to make is that the overall feel of the group is a bit different than in mainly male group interactions in my field, that it's a bit more comfortable for me as a female, less draining, I feel less need to be constantly careful that I project the 'right attitude'. I wonder if it feels a little harder for the men to come to this sort of meeting? I might ask one or two of them... that might explain what happened in the network, maybe men who were less comfortable with the environment sent someone in their group instead, and since there are often more female grad students than male in my field, that tended to shift the meeting composition further... or saw the lack of competitiveness as meaning that the meetings were less important, so sent a 'less important person' (I would say that THAT would have been a false impression. The contacts made, the ideas and research and collaborations and job opportunities, the joint papers, that have come from that network are remarkably rich, clearly more than from most comparable networks).
It's not utopian by any means, but the environment makes for a different kind of working, a different way of progressing towards our common scientific goals - and one that feels good to me. I don't want female-only science, but I would love it if the scientific community, the tribes of science, had more of this atmosphere of mutual support and encouragement, of separating the quality of ideas from the successfulness or status of the person with the idea.
One attendee commented that this was her first meeting with more than about 20% women in her career so far (she's a junior lecturer, 't-t' equivalent). She said how much she enjoyed the conversations in the pub, over lunches, at breaks etc. She said they went something like "science, holiday, science, gardens, children, science, pets, funny stories,research, people, politics, science, food, science, nice shoes, teaching, science..." - she said "it felt like I could be myself without being judged, not just my scientist-self, and I didn't have to keep proving my seriousness and right to be there".
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
soooooo tiiiiiiirrrreeeeeeeeed
Workshop almost over! Just dinner this evening with those folks who aren't travelling home today, and a couple of meetings tomorrow with people who are here for the workshop and staying on for chats/work.
I never get enough sleep at these things. Commuting to MarketTown doesn't help - I always intend to put Furball in the cattery and get a room at a hotel in town, but forget. It's not far, but adds another hour or so onto the day in total and steals that from my sleep time! And oh I need my sleep.
And there was an Annoying Boy with whom I had the following exchange whilst facilitating discussion:
AnnoyingBoy (who is about my age and father-of-three, but still...): the last point you made is wrong because I think sandcastles don't have crenelations
Me: hmm, isn't there a paper by Bloggs about crenelations on sandcastles?
AB: my theory is that they're actually cake frills, and the way to solve this is to make computer models of cake frills, because then we'd know the TRUTH about the cake frills and could simulate how to best take pictures of the cake frills and they'd be the best pictures and it'd be easy if you used the computer system you just said you don't know how to use. And I've told several Important people about this and they haven't said it's a bad idea so clearly it's a good idea!
me: but crenelations aren't cake frills, are they? And I'm a little confused - perhaps you could explain how this is going to help us develop a method for predicting what the shadows will look like? [which is the whole point of the three-day workshop].
AB: because cake frills are important in making castles look like castles.
me: let's leave aside whether it's a crenelation or a cake frill. How does it help us develop a method we can use this summer?
AB: But I'm Right.
Me: this is a really interesting topic <---lie, but can we talk about methods for this summer, since we only have 30 minutes left?
AB: ::pointed sulk, slumping in seat, staring at the ceiling, then didn't say goodbye to me when he left:: <---enough that other people in the audience noticed and laughed about it
Overall it was a great workshop. Attended by 18 women, out of a total of 25 scientists... so cool!
Anyway, must now find stuff, pack bag, drive into town, get lost, find restaurant, find parking within a mile of restaurant, walk to pub near restaurant, meet others, be positive and focused, go to restaurant, eat meal (not booked in until 8-30 pm!), chat nicely, give people lifts to hotel, drive home, feed furball, fall into bed.
I never get enough sleep at these things. Commuting to MarketTown doesn't help - I always intend to put Furball in the cattery and get a room at a hotel in town, but forget. It's not far, but adds another hour or so onto the day in total and steals that from my sleep time! And oh I need my sleep.
And there was an Annoying Boy with whom I had the following exchange whilst facilitating discussion:
AnnoyingBoy (who is about my age and father-of-three, but still...): the last point you made is wrong because I think sandcastles don't have crenelations
Me: hmm, isn't there a paper by Bloggs about crenelations on sandcastles?
AB: my theory is that they're actually cake frills, and the way to solve this is to make computer models of cake frills, because then we'd know the TRUTH about the cake frills and could simulate how to best take pictures of the cake frills and they'd be the best pictures and it'd be easy if you used the computer system you just said you don't know how to use. And I've told several Important people about this and they haven't said it's a bad idea so clearly it's a good idea!
me: but crenelations aren't cake frills, are they? And I'm a little confused - perhaps you could explain how this is going to help us develop a method for predicting what the shadows will look like? [which is the whole point of the three-day workshop].
AB: because cake frills are important in making castles look like castles.
me: let's leave aside whether it's a crenelation or a cake frill. How does it help us develop a method we can use this summer?
AB: But I'm Right.
Me: this is a really interesting topic <---lie, but can we talk about methods for this summer, since we only have 30 minutes left?
AB: ::pointed sulk, slumping in seat, staring at the ceiling, then didn't say goodbye to me when he left:: <---enough that other people in the audience noticed and laughed about it
Overall it was a great workshop. Attended by 18 women, out of a total of 25 scientists... so cool!
Anyway, must now find stuff, pack bag, drive into town, get lost, find restaurant, find parking within a mile of restaurant, walk to pub near restaurant, meet others, be positive and focused, go to restaurant, eat meal (not booked in until 8-30 pm!), chat nicely, give people lifts to hotel, drive home, feed furball, fall into bed.
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