Thanks paradocs for commenting on my last little rant. It's reassuring - albeit depressing - to realise that so much of the UK system is breaking up and creating such difficult work environments (not just from paradocs but also from friends 'outside the computer' who are also academics both in my field and outside it). I wish I could work out how to do something about it. I think there is so much good in our system - and so much good we could be doing for our students and 'society' and our country and our world - that it feels like I should be DOING more.
But I don't know how, and I don't know what, and I'm tired of being called naive and idealist as if those are hurtful, slanderous words which should hurt me, or of my passion being labelled overly dramatic, gender-driven rather than genuine, or a sign of instability and needing more medication. I'm also just. plain. tired.
What am I going to do differently this year? Well, if I really want to fight for what is good in the system and try to hold on to what matters, I need to be prepared - grounded, strong, calm, focused. If I want to move on to another university job, where at least things will be different and I can start over - without some of the History such as VeryDifficultColleague and my, uh, issues with same*, or the Clique Problem etc. - I need to be doing better in terms of grants and almost certainly in terms of working full time again. If I want to change careers, I need to be feeling confident and making a positive choice, not running. If I want to gain more power in the system and fight that way, I need the grants and publications to get the promotion I'd need (and currently do not fancy), hence need for balance and focus on those things over the day-to-day needs of individuals around me. All of which say to me that this needs to be a year of focusing on my physical and mental health - losing weight (15 years at NorthernUni, over 100lbs heavier and I wasn't light to start with. If I carry on like that my retirement home will be the traditional two paces long one pace deep piece of clay, and the lack of reading bothers me more than the lack of embracing about that place), getting fitter, sleeping better, getting stronger and more grounded, although all these things are hard. I WILL take more time off, in proper blocks, aiming for a full month this summer AND other blocks. And see where that takes me.
*VDC is a bully. I am bulliable. VDC is also... inconsistent. Charming, smart, well-intentioned, hard working, apparently collegial - for months and months. Then in the middle of an apparently innocuous and standard week or meeting, VDC'll turn and get vicious. VDC has the same talent my teenage sister had of knowing EXACTLY the tone and the words to not just hurt but to do it in such a way that it takes all the wind out of any chance of riposte, you know? VDC has problems - and things are a lot better than they were a few years ago, and other people have had it far worse in interacting with VDC than I have (you really wouldn't want to be the PhD student of a VDC).
I hate the waiting for the shoe to drop, for the flip to happen - either way, it really bothers me. Probably because I'm a pretty integrated person - I find it very hard to create or maintain personas which are anything other than different shades of the same thing - whether I'm Professional Networking or Academic In Charge of a giant first year class or running a small seminar or hanging out in the bar at a conference or messing around with old mates or playing with a six year old, I'm an insatiably curious, over-talkative, clumsy intravert cat-loving verbose fantasy-novel-reading history buff who happens to be a scientist with a wide range of intellectual enthusiasms, most of them ultimately about things which are wet, muddy, sandy, furry, juicy, rocky or otherwise outdoorsery. And... one very strong thing about my parents and my wider family is that they are people with the sort of personal integrity which means you know what you will get. I always was a slow social developer, and I still get thrown - scared, confused, made uneasy - by people who are inconsistent. Oh, is VDC inconsistent.
Hmm, writing that, I realise that part of the problem with Other People being unreliable - the 'promise but won't follow through or write down' thing - is that I probably believe that my colleagues are Decent People and Decent People Are Consistent. And yet... they aren't. And that doesn't make them not decent, just... foreign.
Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
midwinter ponderings
I have been at NorthernUni, and living in this house (first as tenant then as mortage-payer), for fifteen years now. It's an odd thought. If I stay until typical retirement (which for my generation will be age 67 I guess), I have another twenty-some years to go.
I don't know if I can do that. And even if I can, should I?
December was... interesting. I got sick the first weekend, I guess, carried on for a few days, lost my voice and got sicker, took two weeks off on sick but spent chunks of time doing work stuff and feeling very guilty, then was on 'holiday' (preparing for and hosting parents for a week), and since then have been, well, not doing all that much really - and certainly not working. Things I need to do drift into my mind occasionally, and I've checked my email a few times, but I just don't have any interest or urge to do any work stuff. Which is not like me. I don't know if I don't actually care, or if I don't think there's any point, or if I'm just burnt out and still not well (the latter is likely, I suppose, on the balance of the evidence, but it's hard to look clearly at ones own mental processes when one has to use said processes to do the looking). It's been a horrible semester due to various interpersonal crud, with things going bitter in some subtle, energy-draining ways, even though all the usual stuff like, oh, research students and delivering classes and even making very slow progress with research writing actually went fine until the latest bout of viral whatevers. It isn't over yet; by our system we still have two exam weeks to go. It was also clear from emails and a couple of calls whilst I was off sick that the underlying problem is definitely still spreading. And there's really nothing I can do about it, except try not to make it worse and try to protect myself from the worst of it, which means a lot of deciding which of two unpleasantnesses is the least bad. Not fun. :-(
My department isn't a happy place to be at the moment. What with cliques and threats and people who've basically given up and are focusing on cruising through the teaching then going home to their kiddies as often and early as possible (which you know of course is fine and probably sensible but, hell, it still feels like being abandoned when they are people I liked and respected as allies. When someone I thought was a friend can't possibly manage to come out to lunch on ONE measly day in two months time around a particular professional anniversary we share because he has to work over lunch every day so he can get home for Bath Time, well, I want to throw things).
My Faculty isn't terribly happy either - reorganisations both real and 'for the purposes of the REF' are causing a lot of inter-departmental gossip and resentment, not helped by a serious lack of clarity of information from above. All that IS clear from the University Level is that academics must Get More Grants and Serve Students. However, we also have to go through about thirty more steps to be allowed to submit said grants, because clearly we all have to have everything checked. AND the checking DOCUMENTED - I not only have to get both internal and external people to read my applications now, I have to get written proof (detailed written proof) that they consider that the application will get 'above average' scores in the funding council assessment process before I'm even allowed to submit an application. I'm finding it very hard to act like a 'grown up professional' about this, coupled with all the paperwork I have to do for teaching - apparently my fifteen years as faculty, four as post-doctoral, six in higher ed, mean that I am qualified to do my job ONLY IF every step is approved by someone else. Who presumably knows better than me. HOW??? (having the 'key person' who checks the research stuff be less than 5 years out from their PhD doesn't help; yes they have several 'sexy' grants, but they also have a star-studded stable of mentors who co-apply with them and have done since they were first picked out as 'a star' as a new grad student, and are in a particular subfield which is currently in a boom phase, and have access to a unique-in-the-UK beepy machine that is currently Very Sexy. So not like my situation... or to be honest my ambitions).
Of course, we have to Teach More and Get Better Evaluations on the new (and I believe somewhat flawed) university wide student module evaluation system and Recruit More Freshers and Have Impact and Commercialise Our Ideas and Communicate With Policy Makers and Write at least One Four Star Paper A Year and Secure Funding For More PhD Students - and the message is that most of us are terrible disappointments who fail across the board at these things. If I have to listen to one more lecture about how vital it is for our jobs that we all do Everything Perfectly and it's all down to us, I fear I'll start crying in public - or shouting, equally bad, although some of the men get away with it (they're Passionate, you see - I'm Hysterical or Overly-Dramatic or Needy).
Yeah, maybe I really didn't want to think about that stuff.
So. The time of year for resolutions or themes of however else one tries to start over is upon us. Writing my meme-ish list made it clear that I DON'T want this year to be like the last few. I want something INTERESTING to report! Something DIFFERENT. So expect some tedious navel-gazing posts over the next few days as I try and work out a feasible sort of something...
I don't know if I can do that. And even if I can, should I?
December was... interesting. I got sick the first weekend, I guess, carried on for a few days, lost my voice and got sicker, took two weeks off on sick but spent chunks of time doing work stuff and feeling very guilty, then was on 'holiday' (preparing for and hosting parents for a week), and since then have been, well, not doing all that much really - and certainly not working. Things I need to do drift into my mind occasionally, and I've checked my email a few times, but I just don't have any interest or urge to do any work stuff. Which is not like me. I don't know if I don't actually care, or if I don't think there's any point, or if I'm just burnt out and still not well (the latter is likely, I suppose, on the balance of the evidence, but it's hard to look clearly at ones own mental processes when one has to use said processes to do the looking). It's been a horrible semester due to various interpersonal crud, with things going bitter in some subtle, energy-draining ways, even though all the usual stuff like, oh, research students and delivering classes and even making very slow progress with research writing actually went fine until the latest bout of viral whatevers. It isn't over yet; by our system we still have two exam weeks to go. It was also clear from emails and a couple of calls whilst I was off sick that the underlying problem is definitely still spreading. And there's really nothing I can do about it, except try not to make it worse and try to protect myself from the worst of it, which means a lot of deciding which of two unpleasantnesses is the least bad. Not fun. :-(
My department isn't a happy place to be at the moment. What with cliques and threats and people who've basically given up and are focusing on cruising through the teaching then going home to their kiddies as often and early as possible (which you know of course is fine and probably sensible but, hell, it still feels like being abandoned when they are people I liked and respected as allies. When someone I thought was a friend can't possibly manage to come out to lunch on ONE measly day in two months time around a particular professional anniversary we share because he has to work over lunch every day so he can get home for Bath Time, well, I want to throw things).
My Faculty isn't terribly happy either - reorganisations both real and 'for the purposes of the REF' are causing a lot of inter-departmental gossip and resentment, not helped by a serious lack of clarity of information from above. All that IS clear from the University Level is that academics must Get More Grants and Serve Students. However, we also have to go through about thirty more steps to be allowed to submit said grants, because clearly we all have to have everything checked. AND the checking DOCUMENTED - I not only have to get both internal and external people to read my applications now, I have to get written proof (detailed written proof) that they consider that the application will get 'above average' scores in the funding council assessment process before I'm even allowed to submit an application. I'm finding it very hard to act like a 'grown up professional' about this, coupled with all the paperwork I have to do for teaching - apparently my fifteen years as faculty, four as post-doctoral, six in higher ed, mean that I am qualified to do my job ONLY IF every step is approved by someone else. Who presumably knows better than me. HOW??? (having the 'key person' who checks the research stuff be less than 5 years out from their PhD doesn't help; yes they have several 'sexy' grants, but they also have a star-studded stable of mentors who co-apply with them and have done since they were first picked out as 'a star' as a new grad student, and are in a particular subfield which is currently in a boom phase, and have access to a unique-in-the-UK beepy machine that is currently Very Sexy. So not like my situation... or to be honest my ambitions).
Of course, we have to Teach More and Get Better Evaluations on the new (and I believe somewhat flawed) university wide student module evaluation system and Recruit More Freshers and Have Impact and Commercialise Our Ideas and Communicate With Policy Makers and Write at least One Four Star Paper A Year and Secure Funding For More PhD Students - and the message is that most of us are terrible disappointments who fail across the board at these things. If I have to listen to one more lecture about how vital it is for our jobs that we all do Everything Perfectly and it's all down to us, I fear I'll start crying in public - or shouting, equally bad, although some of the men get away with it (they're Passionate, you see - I'm Hysterical or Overly-Dramatic or Needy).
Yeah, maybe I really didn't want to think about that stuff.
So. The time of year for resolutions or themes of however else one tries to start over is upon us. Writing my meme-ish list made it clear that I DON'T want this year to be like the last few. I want something INTERESTING to report! Something DIFFERENT. So expect some tedious navel-gazing posts over the next few days as I try and work out a feasible sort of something...
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
New Year Meme (filler post)
This time last year I wrote a sensible, thoughtful post which actually made sense. Of course, last year I was peacefully at home, not parenting-friend visiting-conferencing. Here is That Meme, or at least the version of it from Scattered and Random, while I conference.
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
deliver a handmade gift within a few days of the event I'd promised it for! Bought an ipod and a Kindle. Was refused a visa on health grounds. Saw a particularly demotivatingly high number on the scales. Told a PhD student they might not have what it took to make it. Nothing big. Doing the SAME stuff was hard enough!
2. Did you keep your 2011 resolutions, and will you make more this year?
I have a checquered relationship with resolutions, see monthly lists... My theme for 2011 was 'choices' and I guess that whilst I am better at acknowledging that I HAVE them I haven't been making the most effective choices, so no to the first - and yes, probably to the second.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank heavens
5. What countries did you visit?
All in Europe this year. I've been to... erm... I think five different countries? Or four? Lessee... there was the workshop in Mayish, two lots of project F fieldwork, a conference in July and a seminar in August. Yes, five. I have no idea what their pseudonyms were.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A sense of progress rather than just running on the spot (and/or losing ground)
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Boringly: not getting laryngitis. More interstingly: winning at NaNoWriMo
8. What was your biggest failure?
losing a little weight very slowly, then regaining it in about three weeks with three. extra. pounds. (not that you'd notice, but still, three more of the wretched things!)
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes; the usual selection of creaks and mental health wobbles, plus spraining a ligament in my left knee which was something new and unpopular...
10. What was the best thing you bought?
my new chair, and books to read in it
11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
hmmm. MSc student on Project F for reminding me that there are good, diligent students out there so my problems with others are not JUST my fault? And some of my other students for being lovely even when daft.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The coalition government. Rioting idiots in the UK's streets. Certain colleagues.
13. Where did most of your money go?
probably a toss-up between bills and ready-meals
14. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
RIGHT NOW I don't think I'm happier. Overall, probably very slightly happier (if only because the office move nonsense is resolved for now!). lightly less thin, slightly richer I suppose.
15. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Doing anything other than being depressed.
16. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Whining. Eating lazily not thoughtfully
17. Did you fall in love in 2011?
no.
18. What was the best new book you read?
Hmm. TYotally self-indulgently and mind-candy wise, Martha Well's The Cloud Roads. Geekily, the new edition of the methods book that I love which has come out 19 years after the original, so it's back in print and I can assign it to classes again!
19. What was your favorite film of the year?
fillum? Me no watch fillums. That said, my favourite film over Christmas (remember I don't have a TV so rarely see films at all) was Ratatouille...
20. What kept you sane?
Sane??? Me, sane? Stabilising influences were pills, Furball, relevant quotes and scriptures, and sleeping a lot...
21. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
No-one else will look out for my best interests in the long term when faced with any kind of short term problem (I don't like this lesson). Cats are necessary. Spending money on a decent chair is money well spent!
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
deliver a handmade gift within a few days of the event I'd promised it for! Bought an ipod and a Kindle. Was refused a visa on health grounds. Saw a particularly demotivatingly high number on the scales. Told a PhD student they might not have what it took to make it. Nothing big. Doing the SAME stuff was hard enough!
2. Did you keep your 2011 resolutions, and will you make more this year?
I have a checquered relationship with resolutions, see monthly lists... My theme for 2011 was 'choices' and I guess that whilst I am better at acknowledging that I HAVE them I haven't been making the most effective choices, so no to the first - and yes, probably to the second.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank heavens
5. What countries did you visit?
All in Europe this year. I've been to... erm... I think five different countries? Or four? Lessee... there was the workshop in Mayish, two lots of project F fieldwork, a conference in July and a seminar in August. Yes, five. I have no idea what their pseudonyms were.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A sense of progress rather than just running on the spot (and/or losing ground)
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Boringly: not getting laryngitis. More interstingly: winning at NaNoWriMo
8. What was your biggest failure?
losing a little weight very slowly, then regaining it in about three weeks with three. extra. pounds. (not that you'd notice, but still, three more of the wretched things!)
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes; the usual selection of creaks and mental health wobbles, plus spraining a ligament in my left knee which was something new and unpopular...
10. What was the best thing you bought?
my new chair, and books to read in it
11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
hmmm. MSc student on Project F for reminding me that there are good, diligent students out there so my problems with others are not JUST my fault? And some of my other students for being lovely even when daft.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The coalition government. Rioting idiots in the UK's streets. Certain colleagues.
13. Where did most of your money go?
probably a toss-up between bills and ready-meals
14. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
RIGHT NOW I don't think I'm happier. Overall, probably very slightly happier (if only because the office move nonsense is resolved for now!). lightly less thin, slightly richer I suppose.
15. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Doing anything other than being depressed.
16. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Whining. Eating lazily not thoughtfully
17. Did you fall in love in 2011?
no.
18. What was the best new book you read?
Hmm. TYotally self-indulgently and mind-candy wise, Martha Well's The Cloud Roads. Geekily, the new edition of the methods book that I love which has come out 19 years after the original, so it's back in print and I can assign it to classes again!
19. What was your favorite film of the year?
fillum? Me no watch fillums. That said, my favourite film over Christmas (remember I don't have a TV so rarely see films at all) was Ratatouille...
20. What kept you sane?
Sane??? Me, sane? Stabilising influences were pills, Furball, relevant quotes and scriptures, and sleeping a lot...
21. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
No-one else will look out for my best interests in the long term when faced with any kind of short term problem (I don't like this lesson). Cats are necessary. Spending money on a decent chair is money well spent!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
getting ready for the new semester
I am in the office, moving stuff. All my books are now back in this room, and it feels good, despite the towering mountains of Stuff That Needs To Be Gone Through and Filed or Recycled. They are at least tidy towering mountains, for the most part (and for the moment). Tomorrow the new semester properly starts, so it feels like time for some resolutions. So:
a teaching resolution: I want the masters-level module I am teaching with BusyWoman (who is taking voluntary redundancy at the end of this semester - :-( boo) to go really well - I WILL stand up to the student preference for lecture over critical analysis and discussion in a science course because this is a course about Big Issues full of 'We Don't Actually Know That's and they need to learn to flex those analytical and communicative 'muscles' that science students can avoid developing (and will also resist their sneaky ability to ask questions which lead to me giving mini-lectures which end up taking up half the class time. My plan is to write those questions on the board as they come up, then if they are linked give a short lecture after the coffee break (and use the coffee break to prepare an outline so I don't get sidetracked myself) or if there are a lot of bitty ones or definitions assign them as tasks to small groups and get them to use their texts, smartphone internet access, or pop around the corner to the computer room and log on (I could also take a few reference books from my office as the classroom is just down the corridor) so that they are still DOING not LISTENING. We'll see.
a supervising resolution: I am going to keep closer track on everyone this semester - by enforcing a policy of setting goals at the end of each meeting, which I will write down and if necessary email to the student, and then using these as the starting point for the next meeting. Even the best of students, I find, tends to not write things down and none of them shows much concern... and yes, that means everyone from the undergrad independent study projects to PDF (who actually likes to plan for large swathes of time, with neat little Excel sheets and check marks, so she'll actually prefer me to be more organised, I think)
a work environment resolution: I will have gone through all the mountains and either Filed or Recycled by Christmas
a writing resolution: I will get DataCrunchingPaper and PowerHousePaper submitted to journals, and will get a full draft of BequestProjectPaper out to contributors for comments. I think that's enough for my busier semester...
an administrative resolution: I will save my strength for the battles that matter, and pick 2 or 3 things to focus on.
a research resolution: I will focus my research time on software work with WierdBugMan, and have a Plan (and progress on said plan) for his complete exit from the work by the end of 2012.
a physical health resolution: I have lost about 10lb this summer without trying, mostly due to fieldwork (when I do more exercise, focus on one thing so am less negatively-stressed/frustrated plus I feel competent (which both cut down emotional eating) and have a regular pattern of going to bed early and getting up early). I would like to lose another 10lb by Christmas, of the many many I need to shed. I plan to use my pedometer regularly, start to add in more 'exercise walks' to my schedule (and possibly get a pass for the local council leisure centre, just to use the treadmills when the weather is rubbish and it's dark when I get up and when I get home), and try to cook more.
a mental health resolution: I will focus on doing small things for myself, things linked to making a home for myself and treating myself with respect - things like keeping the house fairly orderly and cleanish, buying expensive tea and enjoying it, taking time in the evenings to do something with my hands like knitting or cooking, or watch a movie, rather than not working but feeling guilty about not working or worrying about work and therefore not achieving anything or relaxing. I will try and focus on what I DO achieve not what I DON'T get around to... and go to bed really, really early one night a week rather than sleeping in late and losing whole mornings, I KNOW that works for me but I tend not to do it... because I get home from work and stress about more work and feel I should do more work or at least do something and however tired I am I just faff around until once again I'm going to bed less than 8 hours before the alarm goes off...
Well, we'll see! As the tidying here took less time than I expected, I will now go to the supermarket and buy some ingredients for healthy packed lunches. Especially as there will be lots of UNhealthy food around from all the receptions and meetings that happen in the first week...
a teaching resolution: I want the masters-level module I am teaching with BusyWoman (who is taking voluntary redundancy at the end of this semester - :-( boo) to go really well - I WILL stand up to the student preference for lecture over critical analysis and discussion in a science course because this is a course about Big Issues full of 'We Don't Actually Know That's and they need to learn to flex those analytical and communicative 'muscles' that science students can avoid developing (and will also resist their sneaky ability to ask questions which lead to me giving mini-lectures which end up taking up half the class time. My plan is to write those questions on the board as they come up, then if they are linked give a short lecture after the coffee break (and use the coffee break to prepare an outline so I don't get sidetracked myself) or if there are a lot of bitty ones or definitions assign them as tasks to small groups and get them to use their texts, smartphone internet access, or pop around the corner to the computer room and log on (I could also take a few reference books from my office as the classroom is just down the corridor) so that they are still DOING not LISTENING. We'll see.
a supervising resolution: I am going to keep closer track on everyone this semester - by enforcing a policy of setting goals at the end of each meeting, which I will write down and if necessary email to the student, and then using these as the starting point for the next meeting. Even the best of students, I find, tends to not write things down and none of them shows much concern... and yes, that means everyone from the undergrad independent study projects to PDF (who actually likes to plan for large swathes of time, with neat little Excel sheets and check marks, so she'll actually prefer me to be more organised, I think)
a work environment resolution: I will have gone through all the mountains and either Filed or Recycled by Christmas
a writing resolution: I will get DataCrunchingPaper and PowerHousePaper submitted to journals, and will get a full draft of BequestProjectPaper out to contributors for comments. I think that's enough for my busier semester...
an administrative resolution: I will save my strength for the battles that matter, and pick 2 or 3 things to focus on.
a research resolution: I will focus my research time on software work with WierdBugMan, and have a Plan (and progress on said plan) for his complete exit from the work by the end of 2012.
a physical health resolution: I have lost about 10lb this summer without trying, mostly due to fieldwork (when I do more exercise, focus on one thing so am less negatively-stressed/frustrated plus I feel competent (which both cut down emotional eating) and have a regular pattern of going to bed early and getting up early). I would like to lose another 10lb by Christmas, of the many many I need to shed. I plan to use my pedometer regularly, start to add in more 'exercise walks' to my schedule (and possibly get a pass for the local council leisure centre, just to use the treadmills when the weather is rubbish and it's dark when I get up and when I get home), and try to cook more.
a mental health resolution: I will focus on doing small things for myself, things linked to making a home for myself and treating myself with respect - things like keeping the house fairly orderly and cleanish, buying expensive tea and enjoying it, taking time in the evenings to do something with my hands like knitting or cooking, or watch a movie, rather than not working but feeling guilty about not working or worrying about work and therefore not achieving anything or relaxing. I will try and focus on what I DO achieve not what I DON'T get around to... and go to bed really, really early one night a week rather than sleeping in late and losing whole mornings, I KNOW that works for me but I tend not to do it... because I get home from work and stress about more work and feel I should do more work or at least do something and however tired I am I just faff around until once again I'm going to bed less than 8 hours before the alarm goes off...
Well, we'll see! As the tidying here took less time than I expected, I will now go to the supermarket and buy some ingredients for healthy packed lunches. Especially as there will be lots of UNhealthy food around from all the receptions and meetings that happen in the first week...
Saturday, January 01, 2011
looking forward
I ended up reading all of last year's blog entries last night/this morning (31st/1st that is, not sure when this will post). I do go on a bit, don't I? I spent quite a lot of last year being some shade of depressed, I realise, and being fed up with work. Unmotivated, that's me! Clearly a key goal for this year has to be to sort out Project F/PostDocF - stressful!
Anyway. a New Year post. Today I decided to follow the example of some of the people I read on the interwebs, and aim to include things in my day that I want in the coming year. So I've:
Somewhere a while ago I wrote a list of points about surviving/succeeding in a 'squeezed middle' institution, and I will summarise them here for my own use:
Anyway. a New Year post. Today I decided to follow the example of some of the people I read on the interwebs, and aim to include things in my day that I want in the coming year. So I've:
- cooked - made chestnut soup
- eaten well - ceral with fruit and yoghurt, then the soup, then a rösti
- done some work - finished a figure and added a paragraph to one of the paper backlog, and read and fed back on a chapter of project student writing (I want more mentoring and less mass-production in my teaching, so I chose this task accordingly)
- studied
- done some fun stuff - read something that has nothing to do with work, done some knitting
- connected with people - phoned my parents, texted a friend, wrote a short letter, read a letter from a friend (that got 'kittied' when it came in the post on Friday, and turned up again under the shoe rack), read blogs, commented [until Blogger went down], emailed a friend
- spent some time in... prayer/meditation/being quiet and listening mode, the three drift into each other
- played with said kitty, and fed and petted her [kitty-care clearly being important!].
- been for a walk - not a long one, but not the same route I take every time I take a short walk lately either
- and am going to bed before midnight!
Somewhere a while ago I wrote a list of points about surviving/succeeding in a 'squeezed middle' institution, and I will summarise them here for my own use:
- define an acceptable minimum standard of activity for a year, and be happy when you achieve it. for me, that's presently:
- 2 papers in peer-reviewed journals, one as first author
- one other piece of published writing
- grant applications to about £150k.
- Getting my grading done on time
- teaching all my classes
- meeting my project students once a fortnight (unless they want less frequent meetings)
- meeting my grad students at frequencies appropriate to their stage.
- Attending two meetings or workshops or other chances to talk to field-colleagues.
- About research:
- Aim to have two or three related strands of research interest. Six or seven are too many, even for the most distractable and bored-of-sameness of us.
- Under each strand have several things going on, that are linked with and feed off each other, a mix of long-term and short-term, of can-keep-ticking-over-with-minimal-money and needs-people-power, because that way SOMETHING will be working or getting funding or just being fascinating at any point in time, and SOMETHING will be productive for every annual report you have to write.
- Build collaborations - but build them slowly and cautiously.
- remember why you got into your field. Find space for a little bit of whatever gives you the I-can't-help-grinning-it's-so-cool feeling. For me, it's a mix of that first analysis run on new data (mine or my students) and talking science with other enthusiastic people.
- Don't have all your eggs in one basket when it comes to publications or grants
- Think ahead - anticipate gaps in research activity, such as very horrible teaching semesters
- Don't compare yourself to superstars, especially the young ones everyone is talking about
- Be super-nice and appreciative of your support staff
- Do the best you can in your circumstances, then go home and do your best at something else
- Productivity comes from the work you get into the hours, not the hours you put in at work.
- Get enough sleep, take sick leave when you're sick, and practice trade-offs if you aren't good at outright nos.
- Always be open to learning more.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Good intentions, paving stones...
At the end of last year I made some sort of resolutions. None of them have been achieved.
I had a theme - regrouping. I seem to have spent most of the year on newish stuff.
I said:
I had a theme - regrouping. I seem to have spent most of the year on newish stuff.
I said:
Umm. yeah. that so not happened.I want to be ready by then for new challenges, a new phase in my life - to use the sabbatical months to start a new research programme, or go on a secondment to administration, or to work on a serious career change or job hunt or do something else exciting and new and refreshing and different. So I need to clear the decks.
By February 2010 I wanted to be:
- fitter - I am not
- slimmer - I am not
- have made major inroads into my publications backlog - I have not
- have done a decent amount of personal writing - journalling, blogging, poetry writing -including exploring what I really want to do with the next 20-25 years of my working life -I blogged. but otherwise, nope.
- have cleared a lot of my sample analysis backlog - nope. neck siezed up. keeps doing it. Am fed up!
- be able to easily find things in my house, not have lots of space wasted on items that I don't either use regularly or treasure, have a refurbished bathroom, and have a renegotiated mortgage deal - nope, not that either.
- not be starting my Christmas letters with some variation on "sorry for being a lousy letter writer this year..." - didn't even start writing them this year.
- have had fun. Every month, even the really really mad-busy-at-work ones. And made things - poems, knitted items, whatever - and nurtured relationships - well, there was a little fun. But mostly this, too, is a FAIL
- and maybe have found a church that I can join? Or at least made regular religious practice a more routine and central part or my week, in some form - nope, not done that
- Most of all, I need to focus on maximising the work done in the hours I put aside for science/academia - nope.
A resounding nought out of ten there then! And although the 2008-9 academic year was better healthwise, the 2009-10 year is 5 months old and I've had 7 weeks of sick leave already, through the middle of the semester.
Some achievements:
- some more papers published (can't remember the details now)
- SeniorStudent's PhD is all done and defended
- Getting Bequest project funded, and the PDRA appointed
- putting in two other really large grant applications, one medium (not yet heard about that) and various little ones (none successful, so none of them 'count'
- attended one teaching conference, five academic conferences, gave a teaching workshop and a research related workshop, and did two invited seminars. String of papers and posters associated with all of these.
- working with DrVisit is opening up some interesting new avenues.
- finished the DataCrunching part of DataCrunchingProject, made substantial progress on the teaching software project and gotten some good work done with DrSabb
- my new third year option module in the second semester of 2008-9 went great
- new opportun ities in FavouriteIslands, especially with FairlyFamousProfessor
- travel to northeastcoast and FavouriteIslands
Some disappointments
- having such a long bout of laryngitis
- having to miss stuff cos of laryngitis (a meeting, a workshop, giving a seminar, my parents' golden wedding do)
- being lonely, and not making much if any progress towards fixing that or effectively connecting with distant friends
- still single, and fat, and tired, and periodically wretched. It's so boring!!
- not getting the large grants after all the work involved in applying.
- doing less than I'd hoped, wasting time, messing up teaching through absence and lack of team-coordination
- WierdBugMan retiring, us struggling to find a new way of working together
- WonderfulGrumpyTechnician retiring and not being replaced - lab crises all over the shop
- WonderfulSecretary retiring and not being replaced (her memory was irreplacable...)
- DrVisit going home for a couple of weeks in November, messing up her visa paperwork, and still being stuck in ExoticCountry trying to get a new visa. Sigh...
I am not in the mood to make resolutions or plans or whatever tonight. Maybe tomorrow.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Moving Forward (Scientiae post)
I have two responses to this prompt from Sciencewomen, and couldn't decide which was 'truer' or funnier or more enlightening, so planned to share them both. Rereading the prompt, I noticed that they asked TWO questions, and that my answers conveniently fit under them - yay, I can just be fitting in with the intstructions not being an indecisive over-verbose person! Thanks SW
I shall respond to them in reverse order:
***********************************
What keeps me moving forward?
In my branch of Beach Studies, fieldwork is the starting point for most research projects, and my particular interests often lead to field days beginning with long hilly, heathy or squelchy walks into the target area, which have to be repeated in the evening whilst carrying a load of samples. Right now I am not at ALL physically fit, but even when I WAS in much better shape, I've always been a bit creaky (I have an unreliable ankle, non-standard-issue-hip and slighty damaged lower back, along with allergies), and so by the end of the day I am usually more than ready for a change (and a sit down on something more comforting to a non-standard-issue-hip than a rock). On the way home, I tend to look at my feet. Looking ahead tends to drag my tired thoughts into some negative circles
Looking at my feet, looking at the next five minutes, has gotten me through situations where if I'd looked at the whole trek ahead, thought about the end of the week, I'd've just sat down and cried with tiredness and fear. When work is very busy and there are many important things that all need doing urgently, I do much better when I remember to pick one small task, focus on it, complete it and then pick another - a sequence of small, steady achievements builds up its own rhythm and carries me up hills and through rivers, even ones swarming with sarcastic advisors/superiors, conflicting data and confrontational meetings.
*************************************
How am I moving forward in life?
This question made me laugh a bit, because a few months ago I declared this to be a year of regrouping' - to extend my fieldwork metaphor, this year is supposed to be all about sitting on a rock or comfortable tussock, emptying and repacking my rucksack, retying my boots, going through my notes and tidying them up, reapplying suncream or insect repellant or retucking the 8 or 10 layers that ruckle up at the waist (depending on the weather in this metaphor), kicking back and enjoying the view, looking at the map and picking the best route to my next destination.
Life, of course, is moving me forward anyway - applying for grants had become a motion to go through, and rather than obsessing about writing something that was perfectly fundable I wrote a few that were rather unlikely... last week one of them got through to the 'responding' stage, which means it's moved from something like a 1-in-10 chance of success to a 1-in-2 chance. Earlier this month, I found out that I got the Bequest money I applied for. WierdBugMan has got 'permission to retire early', which changes... everything we do together. ExoticCountryVisitor arrives soon - which means the start of a new research angle for my group, with a lot of learning, and some linguistic challenges for us all (my location has strong regional accents, SeniorStudent comes from a different region of the country with its OWN distinctive accent and words - and my default is a third strong accent. ExoticCountryVisitor's native tongue is a completely different kind of language to English, and although she writes English quite well, I expect that she will not be quite so fluent in speaking - and may well not follow what some of the students say at all, at first. I mean, I found Ontario accents tough to follow when I first worked in Canada, and we were all speaking the same basic language!). My group had thinned down nicely in advance of my study leave, not entirely by my choice but in a way that was comfortable and not very worrying, and now from September I will have the most 'direct reports' I've ever had in the lab (i.e. people for whom I'm advisor of record or 'post-doc-boss' rather than any kind of shared supervision) - at the same time as dealing with a new technician who is as yet untrained and may not be trained by the time we need him (mess, long story). It will be exciting, but not exactly a time of regrouping! Life is moving forward around me, regardless of my plans.
A current challenge for me, a challenge this Scientiae prompt is encouraging me to face anew and renew my committment to addressing it, is to work out where I want to go next in my work, my life. I really, really don't know and as someone who likes to plan and list and dream, that's a hard place to be. I need to keep my behind firmly attached to the rock and sit and look into the fog of not knowing, because it would be easy to get up and get busy again. Looking at my feet, thinking about the next step, works well when I know where I'm going (when I'm returning along a known path, in my first answer), and would work well if I didn't care where I ended up. I can imagine the latter leading to bad things - my health issues have led me along a scary cliff edge or two, and I've read about these salt mines you can end up slaving in, so I want to have a map.
I have a compass - I know what my values are, pretty much, I have a faith (of the rather feeble 'Lord I believe: help though my unbelief'/'Lord, I will be very busy this day and may forget thee, do not thou forget me' kind, but it's a solid ground to my being), and I am slowly working out what being successful would look like to me. I need a MAP, and a PLAN - because you can be on the right compass bearing, but if you're going the wrong way or starting from the wrong place it can lead you straight over the cliff.
Finding the space to stay still when everything is moving around me, when the current is tugging at my knees, is going to be a challenge - but sometimes it's what we need most.
I shall respond to them in reverse order:
***********************************
What keeps me moving forward?
In my branch of Beach Studies, fieldwork is the starting point for most research projects, and my particular interests often lead to field days beginning with long hilly, heathy or squelchy walks into the target area, which have to be repeated in the evening whilst carrying a load of samples. Right now I am not at ALL physically fit, but even when I WAS in much better shape, I've always been a bit creaky (I have an unreliable ankle, non-standard-issue-hip and slighty damaged lower back, along with allergies), and so by the end of the day I am usually more than ready for a change (and a sit down on something more comforting to a non-standard-issue-hip than a rock). On the way home, I tend to look at my feet. Looking ahead tends to drag my tired thoughts into some negative circles
"oh how far it is! Oh no, there is another hill coming! How will I manage to cross that stream that was a bit far to jump ten hours ago? oh no, Joe is miles ahead, he must think I'm such a wimp, I'm useless at this. We should have made twice as many measurements today. What will I do if this field season is a wash-out? My feet hurt. Are those rain clouds?" etc.Looking downwards, I get to enjoy the journey more without borrowing the future's worries. I see more - small details of plants can be fascinating, insects are around, water-worn rock has an endless beguiling appeal. I concentrate on getting the next little bit right - stepping just so over a tree root, choosing where to place my foot so that my knee angle is optimal for efficient lifting of the rest of me as I climb, letting myself adopt the pace and speed that suits the most efficient transfer of my body and burdens over the terrain, regardless of what others might think. I lose myself in the rhythm of movement and the details of the natural world, not worrying about what comes next or what went before - and instead of getting back to the car or camp a frazzled mess, I get in tired but relaxed, calm - and still ready for a nice sit down.
Looking at my feet, looking at the next five minutes, has gotten me through situations where if I'd looked at the whole trek ahead, thought about the end of the week, I'd've just sat down and cried with tiredness and fear. When work is very busy and there are many important things that all need doing urgently, I do much better when I remember to pick one small task, focus on it, complete it and then pick another - a sequence of small, steady achievements builds up its own rhythm and carries me up hills and through rivers, even ones swarming with sarcastic advisors/superiors, conflicting data and confrontational meetings.
*************************************
How am I moving forward in life?
This question made me laugh a bit, because a few months ago I declared this to be a year of regrouping' - to extend my fieldwork metaphor, this year is supposed to be all about sitting on a rock or comfortable tussock, emptying and repacking my rucksack, retying my boots, going through my notes and tidying them up, reapplying suncream or insect repellant or retucking the 8 or 10 layers that ruckle up at the waist (depending on the weather in this metaphor), kicking back and enjoying the view, looking at the map and picking the best route to my next destination.
Life, of course, is moving me forward anyway - applying for grants had become a motion to go through, and rather than obsessing about writing something that was perfectly fundable I wrote a few that were rather unlikely... last week one of them got through to the 'responding' stage, which means it's moved from something like a 1-in-10 chance of success to a 1-in-2 chance. Earlier this month, I found out that I got the Bequest money I applied for. WierdBugMan has got 'permission to retire early', which changes... everything we do together. ExoticCountryVisitor arrives soon - which means the start of a new research angle for my group, with a lot of learning, and some linguistic challenges for us all (my location has strong regional accents, SeniorStudent comes from a different region of the country with its OWN distinctive accent and words - and my default is a third strong accent. ExoticCountryVisitor's native tongue is a completely different kind of language to English, and although she writes English quite well, I expect that she will not be quite so fluent in speaking - and may well not follow what some of the students say at all, at first. I mean, I found Ontario accents tough to follow when I first worked in Canada, and we were all speaking the same basic language!). My group had thinned down nicely in advance of my study leave, not entirely by my choice but in a way that was comfortable and not very worrying, and now from September I will have the most 'direct reports' I've ever had in the lab (i.e. people for whom I'm advisor of record or 'post-doc-boss' rather than any kind of shared supervision) - at the same time as dealing with a new technician who is as yet untrained and may not be trained by the time we need him (mess, long story). It will be exciting, but not exactly a time of regrouping! Life is moving forward around me, regardless of my plans.
A current challenge for me, a challenge this Scientiae prompt is encouraging me to face anew and renew my committment to addressing it, is to work out where I want to go next in my work, my life. I really, really don't know and as someone who likes to plan and list and dream, that's a hard place to be. I need to keep my behind firmly attached to the rock and sit and look into the fog of not knowing, because it would be easy to get up and get busy again. Looking at my feet, thinking about the next step, works well when I know where I'm going (when I'm returning along a known path, in my first answer), and would work well if I didn't care where I ended up. I can imagine the latter leading to bad things - my health issues have led me along a scary cliff edge or two, and I've read about these salt mines you can end up slaving in, so I want to have a map.
I have a compass - I know what my values are, pretty much, I have a faith (of the rather feeble 'Lord I believe: help though my unbelief'/'Lord, I will be very busy this day and may forget thee, do not thou forget me' kind, but it's a solid ground to my being), and I am slowly working out what being successful would look like to me. I need a MAP, and a PLAN - because you can be on the right compass bearing, but if you're going the wrong way or starting from the wrong place it can lead you straight over the cliff.
Finding the space to stay still when everything is moving around me, when the current is tugging at my knees, is going to be a challenge - but sometimes it's what we need most.
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